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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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GOP Throws All Financial Support Behind One Candidate

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—With just seven days remaining until the mid-term elections, the National Republican Congressional Committee has allocated its remaining $256 million cash-on-hand to Arizona incumbent J. D. Hayworth's campaign, in the hopes of retaining at least one House seat. "Considering Rep. Hayworth's strong stance against terrorism and this infusion of money, we're feeling really good about this race," said White House chief strategist Karl Rove, who is personally managing the remainder of Hayworth's campaign from his Scottsdale office."He's going to be in a very competitive position if he spends just 90 percent of this money attacking [challenger Harry] Mitchell." Hayworth will be joined at campaign events this week by 23 prominent Republicans, including Dick Cheney, John McCain, Bill Frist, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rudolph Giuliani, Ted Nugent, and Rupert Murdoch. In a poll released today, Mitchell leads Hayworth by six points.

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