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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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GOP Voters: 'Can We See What It Looks Like With Huntsman And Perry Again?'

WASHINGTON—Claiming something "just seemed off" with the combination of candidates currently seeking the Republican Party's nomination for president, voters asked Tuesday if they could see once more what the GOP field would look like with Jon Huntsman and Rick Perry back in the race. "Could you just show me Huntsman next to Santorum again, and maybe Perry in there, too, trailing just a bit behind Romney? Not too close, though," said Cleveland-based voter Alan Sanders, squinting as he contemplated the grouping of presidential hopefuls. "No, that's still not quite right. What if we try Pawlenty, Paul, Bachmann, and Gingrich—in that order. Ugh, never mind, that just looks weird. Maybe take Romney out and put Herman Cain back in? That might work." At press time, the nation's Republican voters were asking to see Sarah Palin in there, too, just for fun.

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