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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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GOP Warns Refugees Likely To Be Driven To Terrorism By Way America Would Treat Them

CHARLESTON, SC—Declaring that opening the nation’s doors to displaced Syrians posed a major security threat, GOP leaders warned Tuesday that any refugees who resettled in the U.S. would most likely be driven to terrorism by the way America treats them. “We absolutely cannot provide a safe haven to these Syrians due to the very real threat that the abusive and hateful conduct of Americans will push the refugees toward radicalization and recruitment by extremist militant groups,” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), echoing the sentiments of numerous other presidential candidates and state governors who have argued that Syrian asylum seekers would in all probability embrace a radical jihadist worldview after constantly enduring anti-Muslim hate speech, racial epithets, and threats of violence and persecution by both the American people and government officials. “The moment we let these Syrians in, I promise that our most ruthless and cruel tendencies will take over, and we won’t relent until these refugees feel like they have no choice but to plan and execute a terror attack right inside our borders. It’s better to be safe than sorry in this situation.” Cruz claimed that the country did not face the same threat from Syria’s Christian refugees, stressing his confidence that only a small percentage of U.S. citizens would regard them as Muslim extremists.


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