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Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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GOP: ‘We Support Our Nation’s 11 Million Latino Criminals’

'These Lawbreakers Are Part Of Our Country’s Rich Tapestry'

Republican lawmakers say they stand behind the nation’s estimated 11 million undocumented, law-breaking crooks.
Republican lawmakers say they stand behind the nation’s estimated 11 million undocumented, law-breaking crooks.

WASHINGTON—As the debate over immigration reform continues in Congress, members of the Republican Party on Tuesday voiced their unequivocal support for the nation’s “more than 11 million Latino criminals,” emphasizing that much of the foundation of American society rests on these hardworking Hispanic lawbreakers.

“Today, as we consider these crucial changes to our country’s immigration laws, let us once again reiterate our party’s tremendous respect and advocation for the legions of dedicated and persevering Latino wrongdoers who are such an important part of this country,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY), speaking on behalf of a group of GOP lawmakers who have pledged their support of the estimated 11 million “flagrant and obtrusive offenders of the law.” “And so I would like these utterly felonious men and women to know that the Republican Party respects you and your corrupt, blatantly illegal interests. We stand with you, wanton transgressors.”

“After all, you and your lawbreaking ilk make up a vital part of our nation’s rich tapestry,” McConnell added.

Emphasizing the important role played by the country’s 11 million undocumented miscreants in the nation’s neighborhoods, schools, and businesses, Republicans from both the Senate and the House came together in solidarity today with what lawmakers called “the proud, resilient Hispanic crooks seeking to make a better life for themselves and their criminal families by taking what is not theirs.”

Specifically, GOP legislators highlighted the countless contributions made to society by the millions of job-stealing Latino factory workers, incessant federal fund wasters, violent gangbangers, and unassimilated, non-English-speaking foreign interlopers who they said make this country great.

“I, for one, am proud of these lawless foreigners who drain vital resources from our nation, irrevocably alter our national identity, and punish law-abiding immigrants who play by the rules,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), noting that several of his own constituents are steadfast, patriotic delinquents who openly defy our nation’s rule of law and believe in America. “Despite anything you may have heard to the contrary, my fellow Republicans and I are fully behind these outlaws, and we believe in making a better life for these villains’ children and their children’s children, who will someday become enthusiastic criminals in their own right, if they aren’t already.”

“These parasitic monsters should be given a shot at freedom and opportunity, because diversity and acceptance are what America is all about,” Boehner continued. “And they are what the Republican Party is all about, too.”

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