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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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GOP: ‘We Support Our Nation’s 11 Million Latino Criminals’

'These Lawbreakers Are Part Of Our Country’s Rich Tapestry'

Republican lawmakers say they stand behind the nation’s estimated 11 million undocumented, law-breaking crooks.
Republican lawmakers say they stand behind the nation’s estimated 11 million undocumented, law-breaking crooks.

WASHINGTON—As the debate over immigration reform continues in Congress, members of the Republican Party on Tuesday voiced their unequivocal support for the nation’s “more than 11 million Latino criminals,” emphasizing that much of the foundation of American society rests on these hardworking Hispanic lawbreakers.

“Today, as we consider these crucial changes to our country’s immigration laws, let us once again reiterate our party’s tremendous respect and advocation for the legions of dedicated and persevering Latino wrongdoers who are such an important part of this country,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY), speaking on behalf of a group of GOP lawmakers who have pledged their support of the estimated 11 million “flagrant and obtrusive offenders of the law.” “And so I would like these utterly felonious men and women to know that the Republican Party respects you and your corrupt, blatantly illegal interests. We stand with you, wanton transgressors.”

“After all, you and your lawbreaking ilk make up a vital part of our nation’s rich tapestry,” McConnell added.

Emphasizing the important role played by the country’s 11 million undocumented miscreants in the nation’s neighborhoods, schools, and businesses, Republicans from both the Senate and the House came together in solidarity today with what lawmakers called “the proud, resilient Hispanic crooks seeking to make a better life for themselves and their criminal families by taking what is not theirs.”

Specifically, GOP legislators highlighted the countless contributions made to society by the millions of job-stealing Latino factory workers, incessant federal fund wasters, violent gangbangers, and unassimilated, non-English-speaking foreign interlopers who they said make this country great.

“I, for one, am proud of these lawless foreigners who drain vital resources from our nation, irrevocably alter our national identity, and punish law-abiding immigrants who play by the rules,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), noting that several of his own constituents are steadfast, patriotic delinquents who openly defy our nation’s rule of law and believe in America. “Despite anything you may have heard to the contrary, my fellow Republicans and I are fully behind these outlaws, and we believe in making a better life for these villains’ children and their children’s children, who will someday become enthusiastic criminals in their own right, if they aren’t already.”

“These parasitic monsters should be given a shot at freedom and opportunity, because diversity and acceptance are what America is all about,” Boehner continued. “And they are what the Republican Party is all about, too.”

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