Gore Already Regretting Promise To Help Clinton Move Out

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Vol 36 Issue 10

Area Man's Got A Ton Of Shit On His Mind Right Now, Okay?

LOS ANGELES–Look, just give Bill Turlington a break, okay? The 35-year-old L.A. advertising executive is buried up to his neck in shit right now, and half an hour of peace and quiet is all he's asking for. Tormented by incompetent assistants, clueless clients, and the very real possibility of losing the MCI account, and, if you hadn't noticed, the ulcer-plagued Turlington is on the phone at the moment, so would you please get out? Now listen: Turlington has no idea where your scissors are. Use a goddamn penknife or something and allow him to finish his conversation, for God's sake.

Parents Of 6-Year-Old Sorely Regretting Purchase Of Knock-Knock-Joke Book

MERCER ISLAND, WA–Just four days after giving their 6-year-old son Tanner a copy of 1,001 Silliest Knock-Knock Jokes In The World, Kevin and Jennifer Voskuil are already experiencing deep regrets about the decision, the Mercer Island couple reported Monday. "Hoozere?" asked a bleary-eyed Kevin, trying to sleep on the living-room sofa as Tanner read him yet another joke. "'Orange you glad I didn't say banana?' That's a funny one. Run outside to the garage and tell it to your mom." Jennifer, who has been treated to 762 of the 1,001 knock-knock jokes as of press time, expressed hope that Tanner can be weaned off the book and onto one that is less interactive. "Maybe the Guinness Book Of World Records," Jennifer said. "Or the thesaurus."

Local Woman Has Story About How She Got These Shoes

NATICK, MA–Mandy Walters has an interesting story about how she got these shoes, the Boston-area file clerk said Monday. "Okay, I'm driving to my mom's in Vermont when I stop to get gas," Walters told coworker Janet Bloch. "As I'm paying, I notice the time on the receipt, and it's an hour earlier than I thought, so I ask the guy if their clock is off. He says no, 'cause it turns out the night before was daylight savings. So, suddenly, I have an hour to kill, and what's right across the street? An outlet mall! And the Payless store had these for only $29.99!" Walters' blouse, purchased at the same mall, is reportedly another story altogether.

German Auto Engineer Issued Lab Coat

ELDORF, GERMANY–Karl Meine, a new engineer at BMW, was issued a white lab coat Monday, giving him the air of a man at the forefront of German automotive technology. "Karl will wear his lab coat and observe BMW prototypes being driven at extreme speeds on sheets of gleaming ball bearings," said BMW chief engineer Gunnar Hoechst. "He will also stand before a wall of computers as cars are subjected to advanced 59-point wind-tunnel tests in stark, white rooms." In addition to the lab coat, Meine has been issued a clipboard.

FCC Passes Mandatory Garofalo/Griffin Guest-Appearance Regulation

WASHINGTON, DC–Motivated by recent Janeane Garofalo and/or Kathy Griffin appearances on The Sopranos, 3rd Rock From The Sun, The Second Annual TV Guide Awards, Law & Order, and Strangers With Candy, the FCC passed a regulation Monday requiring walk-ons by "at least one of these cutting-edge underground comediennes on all TV shows." Said FCC chair William E. Kennard: "This measure is good for the television industry, ensuring that all programs enjoy a dose of the Garofalo/Griffin indie aura." Griffin is already slated for a guest appearance on next Monday's Nightline, on which she will play a nymphomaniacal tobacco lobbyist obsessed with Ted Koppel.

Clinton Vs. The NRA

In recent weeks, President Clinton and the National Rifle Association have been at war over the issue of gun control. What do you think?
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Gore Already Regretting Promise To Help Clinton Move Out

WASHINGTON, DC–President Clinton is still 10 months away from leaving the White House, but Al Gore is already regretting his promise to help him move out, the vice-president admitted Monday.

Gore surveys "the shitload of furniture" he'll be helping Clinton move next January.

"I am not looking forward to that, let me tell you," said Gore, surveying the four large couches and three oak desks that adorn the East Room. "As Bill's vice-president and good friend, I try to help him out with stuff whenever he asks, but that is going to be one serious bitch of a move."

Gore made the promise last summer while talking to Clinton about his own plans to live in the 132-room residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

"I told him I was thinking about running for president, and he said I could expect his full support if I did. But then, right at the very end of the conversation, he slips in, 'Oh, by the way, are you going to be free on moving day?'" Gore said. "That's so Bill: He totally waited until I needed his political backing before asking me."

Gore's reluctance to help Clinton stems from the bad experience he had helping him move in January 1993.

"What a complete nightmare," Gore said. "I swear, by the end of the day, I wanted to kill him."

Gore said the entire afternoon was spent collecting boxes from Little Rock-area supermarkets and liquor stores, getting stuck on the stairs of the Arkansas governor's mansion with a "humongous" CD rack that Clinton was unwilling to disassemble in order to move, and trying to pack all of the president-elect's things into one small U-Haul trailer and the back of Gore's station wagon.

A 1993 photo which only serves to remind Gore of how disastrous Clinton's last moving day was.

"Bill's a great guy, and I love him to pieces, but he is just so unbelievably disorganized," Gore said. "I called him the night before [the move], and he said he'd be ready if I showed up at his place at around noon, but when I got there, he still hadn't even gotten everything packed yet. Right then and there, I knew I was in for a long day."

Continued Gore: "Bill said George [Stephanopoulos] and James [Carville] were supposed to help, too, but lo and friggin' behold, something magically came up for both of them. George said he had a meeting with Ron Brown he forgot about, and James made up some lame excuse about having to appear on Face The Nation. So, of course, it was just me and Bill, hauling stuff up and down that huge spiral staircase until, like, three in the morning. He bought me dinner as a way of saying thanks, but a couple of slices of pepperoni hardly makes up for 15 hours of back-breaking labor."

According to Clinton administration insiders, moving the president out will be much more difficult than moving him in.

"Bill will have been here eight years, so he's piled up a lot of stuff," White House press secretary Joe Lockhart said. "And it's heavy stuff, too, like that statue of a warrior the Chinese premier gave him a few years back. And he's got, like, a million politics books. He asked me to help him move, but I told him I had a cousin's wedding. No way I'm getting stuck doing that."

Other administration officials have avoided helping the president, as well, including Energy Secretary Bill Richardson, Attorney General Janet Reno, and Defense Secretary William Cohen, who told Clinton that the Pentagon would be "totally slammed" during the transfer of power and that he would be working double shifts all week.

"I just know it's going to be only me again," Gore said. "And what can I expect in return? Well, Bill swore he'd help me move in if I got elected, but I'm trailing Bush in the latest polls, so with my luck I'll be helping him for nothing."

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