adBlockCheck

Gore Already Regretting Promise To Help Clinton Move Out

Top Headlines

Politics

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

How A Contested Convention Would Work

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.

Advisors Tell Trump, Cruz To Stick To Just Attacking All Women In General

JANESVILLE, WI—Attempting to reduce the negative publicity generated by their candidates’ recent attacks on each other’s wives, top campaign advisors reportedly instructed Republican presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in private meetings Monday to stick to just attacking all women in general, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Gore Already Regretting Promise To Help Clinton Move Out

WASHINGTON, DC–President Clinton is still 10 months away from leaving the White House, but Al Gore is already regretting his promise to help him move out, the vice-president admitted Monday.

Gore surveys "the shitload of furniture" he'll be helping Clinton move next January.

"I am not looking forward to that, let me tell you," said Gore, surveying the four large couches and three oak desks that adorn the East Room. "As Bill's vice-president and good friend, I try to help him out with stuff whenever he asks, but that is going to be one serious bitch of a move."

Gore made the promise last summer while talking to Clinton about his own plans to live in the 132-room residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

"I told him I was thinking about running for president, and he said I could expect his full support if I did. But then, right at the very end of the conversation, he slips in, 'Oh, by the way, are you going to be free on moving day?'" Gore said. "That's so Bill: He totally waited until I needed his political backing before asking me."

Gore's reluctance to help Clinton stems from the bad experience he had helping him move in January 1993.

"What a complete nightmare," Gore said. "I swear, by the end of the day, I wanted to kill him."

Gore said the entire afternoon was spent collecting boxes from Little Rock-area supermarkets and liquor stores, getting stuck on the stairs of the Arkansas governor's mansion with a "humongous" CD rack that Clinton was unwilling to disassemble in order to move, and trying to pack all of the president-elect's things into one small U-Haul trailer and the back of Gore's station wagon.

A 1993 photo which only serves to remind Gore of how disastrous Clinton's last moving day was.

"Bill's a great guy, and I love him to pieces, but he is just so unbelievably disorganized," Gore said. "I called him the night before [the move], and he said he'd be ready if I showed up at his place at around noon, but when I got there, he still hadn't even gotten everything packed yet. Right then and there, I knew I was in for a long day."

Continued Gore: "Bill said George [Stephanopoulos] and James [Carville] were supposed to help, too, but lo and friggin' behold, something magically came up for both of them. George said he had a meeting with Ron Brown he forgot about, and James made up some lame excuse about having to appear on Face The Nation. So, of course, it was just me and Bill, hauling stuff up and down that huge spiral staircase until, like, three in the morning. He bought me dinner as a way of saying thanks, but a couple of slices of pepperoni hardly makes up for 15 hours of back-breaking labor."

According to Clinton administration insiders, moving the president out will be much more difficult than moving him in.

"Bill will have been here eight years, so he's piled up a lot of stuff," White House press secretary Joe Lockhart said. "And it's heavy stuff, too, like that statue of a warrior the Chinese premier gave him a few years back. And he's got, like, a million politics books. He asked me to help him move, but I told him I had a cousin's wedding. No way I'm getting stuck doing that."

Other administration officials have avoided helping the president, as well, including Energy Secretary Bill Richardson, Attorney General Janet Reno, and Defense Secretary William Cohen, who told Clinton that the Pentagon would be "totally slammed" during the transfer of power and that he would be working double shifts all week.

"I just know it's going to be only me again," Gore said. "And what can I expect in return? Well, Bill swore he'd help me move in if I got elected, but I'm trailing Bush in the latest polls, so with my luck I'll be helping him for nothing."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close