Gore Camp Denies Putting Bush Camp's Canoe In Treetop

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Vol 36 Issue 17

Cashier Allows Line-Cutting To Go Unpunished

CHANDLER, AZ–Cashier Wendy Kile, 20, allowed a blatant case of line-cutting to go unpunished Monday at the Billings Road Safeway. "I was waiting in line when this smart-aleck teen walked right in front of me," said shopper Ida Sims, 43. "I complained to the check-out girl, but she just said, 'I honestly don't care who I take next.' What kind of answer is that?" If Safeway authorities do not punish Kile for failing to preserve the integrity of her line, Sims said she will gladly take her business to the IGA on Brook Street.

Congress Votes To Intervene In Local Wedding

WASHINGTON, DC–The U.S. Senate voted 64-30 Monday to obstruct next Sunday's marriage of Phoenix's Todd Wexler and Marisa Park. "It is clear to this legislative body that Mr. Wexler is a total jerk," said Sen. Wayne Allard (R-CO) following Monday's vote. "Miss Park can do a lot better." Federal agents will be posted outside the wedding chapel with orders to step in if any vow-taking occurs.

Man Paid More Than Enough To Put Up With This Shit

NEW YORK–Porter Novelli public-relations executive Randy Schad, who works directly under megalomaniacal bastard Rich Frankel, is earning more than enough to put up with Frankel's unbelievable shit, the 25-year-old reported Monday. "Normally, I'm not the type of person who'd put up with the kind of shit I take daily from Mr. Frankel," Schad said, "but my six-figure salary and unbelievable benefits package more than make up for it." Schad said he'll probably only have to put up with Frankel's shit for another year or two, at which point he will receive a promotion and be able to dish out some shit of his own.

Civil Unrest In Sierra Leone Concerns NPR Listener

HANOVER, NH–A National Public Radio report on a rebel insurrection in the West African nation of Sierra Leone deeply concerned Hanover-area listener Jim Ellenson Monday. "Apparently, the Sankoh-led Revolutionary United Front rebels are rapidly advancing on Freetown," said Ellenson, listening to NPR while leafing through the latest issue of The Nation. "Hopefully, the U.N. peacekeepers will be able to limit the movement of the RUF in the interior near Masiaka." Ellenson said he plans to stay tuned to NPR for the latest on the crisis.

Diet Candy's Aftertaste Experienced 12 Years Later

PIKESVILLE, MD–The aftertaste of a sugar-free, strawberry-flavored hard candy eaten by Stephanie Wickes in 1988 was detected Monday by the 38-year-old Pikesville resident. "I was on my way to pick up the kids from school when, out of nowhere, I suddenly got this really nasty taste in my mouth," Wickes said. "For the longest time, I couldn't place it. But then I finally remembered: It was that gross diet candy that Annette Brinkworth, this woman I worked with about 12 years ago, offered me once." Wickes said she was pretty sure Brinkworth got the candy from her dentist.

The Friends Stand-Off

The six Friends starts are threatening to quit he show if each does not receive $1 million per episode. What else are they demanding?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Gore Camp Denies Putting Bush Camp's Canoe In Treetop

WASHINGTON, DC–At a press conference Monday, Gore-camp spokespersons staunchly denied charges of sneaking into the Bush camp, stealing a canoe, and stranding it high in a treetop over the weekend.

Flanked by members of his camp, presidential contender Al Gore defends himself before reporters.

"As usual, the Bush camp has stooped to the lowest form of dirty politicking with these unfounded accusations," said Al Gore, addressing reporters from the shores of Lake Minnewanna. "Make no mistake, we fully intend to beat those rich jerks from the Bush camp, but we will do so fair and square."

The Bush camp is claiming that at approximately 11 p.m. Saturday, Gore and several of his closest counselors walked the two-mile distance of Powatowami Trail, sneaked onto Bush campgrounds under cover of night, and raided the boating-supply cabin. A canoe was then raised an estimated 20 feet into a nearby treetop.

Bush sources added that when security personnel trained a floodlight on the intruders, they "scattered in the general direction of the Gore camp." While scaling a fence, Gore campaign advisor Lawrence Dyer, known in Democratic Party circles as "Hoagie," allegedly snagged his shorts on a nail and was forced to flee in a semi-nude state.

No love has been lost between the two camps of late. Last month, Bush staffers were accused of orchestrating a "panty raid" against the girls from the Hillary For Senate camp. Allegations that the Bush 2000 web site was hacked by a Gore staffer identified only as "Spaz" remain unproven.

Despite Monday's allegations of foul play by the Gore camp, it is the Bush camp that is suffering from image problems. While Gore campers are viewed as honest, hardworking youngsters who are out to have some good old-fashioned summer fun, Bush campers are largely perceived by the public as wealthy elitists, or "snobs," who regard the inheritance of power as their birthright. Photos revealing their camp to be a posh, country-club-like facility featuring air-conditioned cabins and personal butlers have not helped matters.

Bush stands before the canoe he claims was treed by a group of mischievous Gore campers.

In December 1999, Bush told a Dallas Morning News reporter that "the nation simply can't bear another four years under an unrefined president. We are proper people, and we shall conduct a proper, civilized government without those beastly Democrats." Gore staffers retaliated the following week by disguising themselves as waiters and infiltrating a Republican fundraiser, at which they pulled off a host of shenanigans. Among them: paging a "Mr. Dick Wiede" on the dining-room sound system, altering Bush's speech notes to include insults aimed at key Bush contributors, and spraying George W. Bush's mother, former first lady Barbara Bush, with champagne as she shrieked in open-mouthed horror.

The stakes were raised in February, when Bush was humiliated at the New Hampshire Cherry-Pie Eat-Off. After losing the contest and then being unceremoniously doused with whipped cream, a sweetened, gooey Bush growled, "I want those liberal twerps to pay."

The Gore camp is unfazed by such Republican brickbatting. "This camp and its leader are the best," said Gore camper Fred Lehmann, who arrived at the camp shy and softspoken but quickly gained confidence and self-esteem under Gore's wing. "Big Al is a really funny guy, and he tells awesome ghost stories. The Bush camp thinks it's all about being better than everybody else. I think they've forgotten that it's really about having fun."

"We will prevail, because we're fighting for what truly matters," said Gore during a dockside speech Monday. "We have forged unity through diversity and have learned a lot about ourselves in the process. And most importantly, we've come to realize that the world's a whole lot bigger than just our own neighborhood."

"People of the United States," he concluded, "are you ready for the summer?"

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