Gore Delivers Emergency Presidential Address Into Bathroom Mirror

In This Section

Vol 37 Issue 39

Family Now Openly Wondering When Grandma Will Die

ATHENS, GA—After years of silent speculation, Trotter family members openly wondered Monday when ailing family matriarch Helen Trotter would die. "I'd say sometime in the next six months," Trotta's granddaughter Emily told her brother Zach after a visit to Valley View Nursing Home. "No way she'll hang on more than a year." Reports indicate that the Trotters hope the 88-year-old stays alive at least until after Christmas so it doesn't force a change of travel plans.

Parents Regret Letting Child Name Dog

MANKATO, MN—Bruce and Gail Kreuter expressed regret Monday over their decision to let their 8-year-old son Brian choose the name of the family's new cocker spaniel, Hitmontop. "He named the damn thing after his favorite Pokémon," Bruce said. "What's more, apparently, Hitmontop isn't even a dog Pokémon: It's some cartoon guy who kicks people." Gail said she should have seen this coming when Brian named his goldfish Garlic Junior.

School Principal Pauses For Applause That Never Comes

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—During a speech before Medford Middle School students Tuesday, principal Arthur Morehouse paused for applause that never came. "So let's all join together and show the kind of spirit that made Medford the most academically improved middle school in the entire Williamsport area!" said Morehouse, raising his hands. After three seconds of silence, Morehouse added, "Well, moving on," and proceeded to speak for 20 minutes on the importance of keeping the lunchroom clean.

Terrorism Storylines Being Added To TV Shows As Quickly As They Were Dropped

LOS ANGELES—Less than two months after frantically excising any allusions to terrorism, network executives are scrambling to add terror-related storylines to TV shows, sources reported Monday. "We're working around the clock to squeeze in a special episode where a Libyan with ties to Al Qaeda threatens to blow up the D.A.'s office," said Law & Order producer Dick Wolf, who on Sept. 15 scrapped an episode of the NBC drama in which a character utters the word "bomb." "We've got to stay on top of this thing." Next week, Spin City, which last month pulled an episode featuring a shot of the World Trade Center, will air a "very special" one-hour episode in which Mayor Winston is infected with anthrax.

Hang In There! You Live In The Richest Nation In The World!

Ever have "one of those days"? You know the kind: The boss is screaming, "I want it yesterday!," the kids have the flu, and your hair is sticking up on end like Don King's. Well, on those days, it's important to keep things in perspective. After all, you live in the richest, most powerful nation in the whole gosh-darn world!

This Marriage-Counseling Scam Is A Real Moneymaker

There's a sucker born every minute, and as a National Board For Certified Counselors-licensed marriage counselor, I know that better than anyone. For 22 years, I've bilked troubled couples out of their hard-earned cash by actually convincing them that their marital problems have a solution and that I can give it to them. Yep, this marriage-counseling scam is a real moneymaker!

Increasing NYC Tourism

New York has suffered a sharp decline in tourism since Sept. 11. What is the city doing to attract visitors?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Late Night

Gore Delivers Emergency Presidential Address Into Bathroom Mirror

CARTHAGE, TN—Urging the American people to have "courage, faith, and resolve in this time of trial," Al Gore delivered an emergency presidential address into his bathroom mirror Tuesday.

Gore delivers his make-believe address to the American people.

"My fellow Americans, our enemies have struck at the heart of our great democracy," Gore solemnly intoned into his electric razor during the not nationally televised address. "They have attacked our citizens, our cities, and the most prominent symbols of our pride and prosperity. In so doing, they sought to tear us apart. But they have done just the opposite."

Punctuating his opening statements with a dramatic pause intended to bolster the resolve of a wounded nation, Gore applied shaving cream to the beard he had grown during his time out of the spotlight.

"We have, in recent days, seen tragedy and infamy on a scale equal to any in American history," said a proud, defiant Gore as he shaved. "Yet we have also seen heroism and selflessness on a scale equal to any in human history."

Gore, who last week pretended to pledge an additional $1.5 billion in federal aid to New York City, then switched off his razor and pulled out his toothbrush.

"We must honor our fallen heroes by devoting ourselves fully to the causes of liberty and freedom," said Gore, brushing his teeth with small circular motions. "And we must resolve to ensure, as Lincoln said, that government of the people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish from the Earth."

After a long silence, Gore said, "God bless America," and spat.

Gore, who narrowly lost the controversial 2000 presidential election to George W. Bush, then adjourned to the dining room, where he held a closed-door meeting with his top advisors, Simba and Stripe.

Gore confers with top advisors Simba and Stripe.

Since not taking office in January, Gore's accomplishments on both the domestic and foreign fronts have earned him high praise among fellow family members. His State Of The Union address of June 19 was hailed by wife Tipper as "very nice," despite being delivered in his sleep. His late-August tax-reform proposal was generally well received by daughter Kristin, who came across it on the back of a pizza-delivery menu. And his handling of the Sept. 11 tragedy and its aftermath has earned him a 100 percent approval rating within the Gore household.

"He's really risen to the occasion, that's for sure," said Gore housekeeper Virginia Evans, who spent nearly half an hour listening to Gore's anti-terrorism plan after being named his "Secretary Of State" last Thursday. "'President Gore' has taken some bold, decisive steps to help the American people in this time of crisis."

"All you have to do is see the man rake leaves into piles representing the various members of the international coalition, and you suddenly feel the nation is in good hands," said Gore son-in-law Andrew Schiff. "Or, you know, would be, if things had gone differently in Florida and with the Supreme Court and all."

Schiff also lauded the emergency federal-law-enforcement table of organization Gore drew in his mashed potatoes during a recent family dinner as "a masterpiece of delegation and efficiency."

"He's unbelievable, the way he's taken charge," Schiff said. "It's truly amazing how much good he's imagined doing for this country."

Gore's bathroom-mirror speech, his 16th such address since Sept. 11, is widely considered to be the almost-president's most emotional and stirring yet.

"I thought it was very moving," Tipper said. "It was exactly what the nation would have needed to hear in the wake of this horrible tragedy, I suppose."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More