adBlockCheck

Gore Reprimanded For Failure To Look Busy

Top Headlines

Politics

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Who Is Gary Johnson?

Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Gore Reprimanded For Failure To Look Busy

WASHINGTON, DC—The embattled Clinton Administration found itself engulfed in still more controversy Wednesday, when The Washington Post reported that Vice-President Al Gore has been formally reprimanded by a federal grand jury for failing to look busy.

Al Gore, defending himself against charges that he failed to uphold his vice-presidential duty to appear occupied.

According to the Post report, Vice-President Gore first came under scrutiny on April 14, when he sat unproductively at his desk for more than three hours, surfing the Internet, playing Tetris and bending paper clips into animal shapes. All the while, the report stated, Gore made no attempt to conceal his inactivity from White House supervisors.

Despite the flagrant, prolonged nature of Gore's idleness, the supervisors—accustomed to such behavior from the bored vice-president—looked the other way, pretending not to notice and accepting his feeble excuses.

At approximately 4:15 p.m., however, when Gore allegedly began playing the song "The Old Gray Mare She Ain't What She Used To Be" on a tissue-paper comb at a volume loud enough to be heard by a White House tour group several rooms away, the supervisors had no choice but to bring formal charges before the grand jury. Last Friday, the jury issued Gore a reprimand in the form of a written pink slip, along with a verbal warning to "get cracking."

"I'm shocked the vice-president would allow this to happen, especially now," said U.S. News & World Report editor James Fallows, referring to the highly publicized controversies involving Whitewater, Paula Jones and Monica Lewinsky that have plagued the administration of late. "Al Gore is an accomplished statesman and public servant, and he must be aware that looking busy is one of the most important duties of his position. Not looking like you're doing something halfway productive on the taxpayer's clock is one of the most serious crimes of which a vice-president can be accused."

Fallows acknowledged that, since there is very little for a vice-president to do in the course of an average day, it can be difficult for a man in Gore's position to consistently appear occupied on a long-term basis. Nevertheless, he said, Gore's failure to keep up appearances during this time of intense scrutiny for the Clinton Administration "has to be considered a major gaffe."

Not surprisingly, Republicans are pressuring the president to follow up the grand-jury reprimand–which some have derided as "a mere slap on the wrist"–with more substantive punishment, including a mention in Gore's permanent file at the White House personnel office.

U.S. Sen. Alfonse D'Amato (R-NY), one of the leaders of the Republican charge against Gore, called the vice-president's behavior "inexcusable."

"Is it any wonder so many Americans have lost faith in government when a high-standing elected official like Al Gore doesn't even bother to look like he's doing something useful?" D'Amato said. "I'll admit, I've slacked through some pretty uneventful days during my time in Congress. But at least I always made an effort to conceal my inactivity, either by spreading a bunch of official-looking papers across my desk or having my computer on. The American people deserve at least that much."

While Gore has maintained a calm public persona throughout the crisis, Beltway insiders say he is outraged that the humiliating reprimand—which was supposed to remain confidential—was leaked to the press. An anonymous source in the Post article quotes Gore denouncing the leak as "a direct violation of company confidentiality policy as outlined in the official employee manual."

Lawyers for the vice-president are blaming the release of the supposedly confidential reprimand on congressional Republicans, a charge Senate Ethics Committee Chair Robert Smith (R-NH) strongly denied.

"We did not leak this reprimand, and we do not know who did. But what I do know is that this kind of misconduct is completely unacceptable from Vice-President Gore," Smith said. "A mandate to look busy is clearly outlined in the job description he was given and required to sign when he was first hired for the position. And the vice-presidential instructional videos Gore was required to view as a trainee further underscore the importance of looking like you're getting something done at all times. You can bet we'll remember this infraction at Gore's next scheduled employee evaluation, and I for one will be outraged if he doesn't receive a below-average job-performance assessment."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close