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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Government Admits To Hiding Embarrassingly Lame 1973 Extraterrestrial Encounter

WASHINGTON—National Security Agency officials released a report this week detailing an exceedingly disappointing alien encounter that occurred in New Mexico nearly four decades ago. "The event has remained classified for this long not because it contained sensitive information, but because the whole thing was just really lame and not even worth mentioning," NSA commander Thomas Geary said during a press conference, explaining that neither humans nor their intergalactic visitors "came off particularly well" in the lackluster meeting. "I know people hear words like "extraterrestrial encounter" and "government cover-up" and get excited, but trust us on this one, it was an incredible letdown in every way. Lots of standing around and then an abrupt, awkward goodbye, and that was about it, really." After providing reporters with copies of the report, Geary excused himself, insisting that he was too embarrassed to be in the room while they read it.

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