adBlockCheck

Government Admits To Hiding Embarrassingly Lame 1973 Extraterrestrial Encounter

Top Headlines

Recent News

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Government Admits To Hiding Embarrassingly Lame 1973 Extraterrestrial Encounter

WASHINGTON—National Security Agency officials released a report this week detailing an exceedingly disappointing alien encounter that occurred in New Mexico nearly four decades ago. "The event has remained classified for this long not because it contained sensitive information, but because the whole thing was just really lame and not even worth mentioning," NSA commander Thomas Geary said during a press conference, explaining that neither humans nor their intergalactic visitors "came off particularly well" in the lackluster meeting. "I know people hear words like "extraterrestrial encounter" and "government cover-up" and get excited, but trust us on this one, it was an incredible letdown in every way. Lots of standing around and then an abrupt, awkward goodbye, and that was about it, really." After providing reporters with copies of the report, Geary excused himself, insisting that he was too embarrassed to be in the room while they read it.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close