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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Government Admits To Hiding Embarrassingly Lame 1973 Extraterrestrial Encounter

WASHINGTON—National Security Agency officials released a report this week detailing an exceedingly disappointing alien encounter that occurred in New Mexico nearly four decades ago. "The event has remained classified for this long not because it contained sensitive information, but because the whole thing was just really lame and not even worth mentioning," NSA commander Thomas Geary said during a press conference, explaining that neither humans nor their intergalactic visitors "came off particularly well" in the lackluster meeting. "I know people hear words like "extraterrestrial encounter" and "government cover-up" and get excited, but trust us on this one, it was an incredible letdown in every way. Lots of standing around and then an abrupt, awkward goodbye, and that was about it, really." After providing reporters with copies of the report, Geary excused himself, insisting that he was too embarrassed to be in the room while they read it.

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