Government Admits To Hiding Embarrassingly Lame 1973 Extraterrestrial Encounter

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Vol 48 Issue 10

How Sturdy Is That?

HGTV 5:00 p.m. EST/4:00 p.m. CST Host Bryan Lowd leans against a shed in Tulsa, jumps on a floorboard in Denver, and sits on five rocking chairs in front of a live studio audience.

Negative Nancies

ABC 1:00 p.m. EST/12:00 p.m. CST Nancy Grace, Nancy Kerrigan, and Nancy Pelosi talk about how bad the environment's getting and how sad it is nobody knows their neighbors anymore.

College Graduates Making 8% to 11% Less

According to the Economic Policy Institute, female college graduates are making 7.6 percent less than they did 10 years ago, while their male counterparts are making 11 percent less.

North Korean Relations May Be Thawing

Last week, North Korea announced it would suspend nuclear weapons tests and uranium enrichment in exchange for food aid, possibly signaling a desire for renewed negotiations with the United States. Here are some other ways relations will improve: ...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Government Admits To Hiding Embarrassingly Lame 1973 Extraterrestrial Encounter

WASHINGTON—National Security Agency officials released a report this week detailing an exceedingly disappointing alien encounter that occurred in New Mexico nearly four decades ago. "The event has remained classified for this long not because it contained sensitive information, but because the whole thing was just really lame and not even worth mentioning," NSA commander Thomas Geary said during a press conference, explaining that neither humans nor their intergalactic visitors "came off particularly well" in the lackluster meeting. "I know people hear words like "extraterrestrial encounter" and "government cover-up" and get excited, but trust us on this one, it was an incredible letdown in every way. Lots of standing around and then an abrupt, awkward goodbye, and that was about it, really." After providing reporters with copies of the report, Geary excused himself, insisting that he was too embarrassed to be in the room while they read it.

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