Government To Confiscate One Person’s Guns Just To Make Rest Of Them Squirm

Top Headlines


The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Government To Confiscate One Person’s Guns Just To Make Rest Of Them Squirm

The ATF says finding out just how apoplectic the nation’s gun owners become will be well worth the raid’s $19 million price tag.
The ATF says finding out just how apoplectic the nation’s gun owners become will be well worth the raid’s $19 million price tag.

WASHINGTON—Saying they can’t wait to see the looks on the faces of the nation’s most avid gun enthusiasts, top government officials outlined their plan Wednesday to confiscate the legal firearms of one American citizen just to make the rest of them squirm.

In a massive, highly coordinated raid, 50 armed agents from the federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives will reportedly storm the home of a randomly selected law-abiding gun owner in the dead of night and seize every weapon on the premises. According to sources, the surprise operation has been several months in the planning stages and is being conducted entirely for the sake of watching the individual gun owner—and subsequently, the nation’s gun-rights activists as a whole—completely freak out over it.

“We want to get these people as riled up as possible, so we’ll be going in big and going in fast,” ATF agent Greg Lornberry said of the plan to use a large and dramatic show of force to take away the citizen’s lawfully purchased assault weapons, handguns, shotguns, and hunting rifles, as well as every single round of his ammunition. “We intend to burst through the front door and the back door simultaneously in full tactical gear while screaming, ‘We’re here to take them all!’ Then we’ll pin the guy down, round up every gun he owns, and tell him right to his face that he’d better let his friends know we’re coming for theirs next.”

“We’ve already lined up a couple helicopters to swarm the place and shine floodlights through this guy’s windows while the whole raid’s going down, too,” he continued. “Oh, man, this is going to be so great.”

“Half of them are going to be hiding out in bunkers by the time we’re finished with this.”

Federal authorities described for reporters a dramatic scene in which smoke bombs and flash grenades will fill the air as agents in gas masks methodically sweep through the individual’s residence—rifling through drawers, overturning furniture, slashing upholstery, and smashing in his car’s windows to search for his legally obtained guns. The plan reportedly calls for ransacking the house as thoroughly as possible to provide the most dramatic visuals when television news outlets and other witnesses arrive on the scene, with several agents confirming that they’ve been explicitly instructed to find a framed picture of the homeowner on a hunting trip with his sons, smash the glass, and leave the shattered photo face-up on the living room floor.

According to visibly excited ATF officials, the operation should take no more than 15 minutes, from the moment the strike teams descend on ropes from the circling Black Hawks, to the moment the innocent man’s firearms have been thrown into the back of an armored truck that will peel away as an agent with a megaphone shouts, “Courtesy of the U.S. government!” and “Where’s your Second Amendment now?”

After the tactical units leave the scene, the bureau confirmed, several agents in a nearby surveillance van will remain onsite. These agents will reportedly send live audio and video feeds to ATF headquarters, where government officials can kick back and enjoy the show as the wild-eyed man recounts the story to others and his outraged friends show up with their own guns, fan out around his property, and begin patrolling it around the clock.

“When these morons see cell phone footage of us slamming a battering ram into some regular guy’s home and then running out of there with his gun safes, they’ll completely lose their shit,” said Special Agent Donna Adelwright, describing the panic that will set in for millions of pro-gun advocates across the country when the video that the ATF furtively leaks online goes viral. “I seriously can’t wait. The message boards on their websites will be completely flooded with people frantically asking if anybody else was taken down and whether this was just the government’s first wave. They’ll be going berserk!”

“Half of them are going to be hiding out in bunkers by the time we’re finished with this,” she added, grinning.

Many government officials claimed that the “real fun” would come in the months after the raid, when the nation’s newspapers would be filled with angry, agitated opinion pieces and armed individuals throughout the country would stay up all night anxiously peering out their windows. Additionally, authorities said they couldn’t help but chuckle as they imagined how the nation’s terrified gun owners would spend every moment of the next several years looking over their shoulders and grumbling about tyranny.

“God, can you even imagine the rallies that will be held in Washington after this, with everyone chanting about government overreach and constitutional rights? They’re going to be so worked up,” said acting ATF director Thomas Brandon, adding that he’s already excited at the thought of the fundraising letter the National Rifle Association will send out after the operation. “I swear, every anti-gun-control protester will be carrying a photo of the man whose house we hit and calling him a hero. I can already picture all the guys in cowboy hats and camo shirts giving speech after speech about how they won’t back down and how they’re ready to fight back. Oh, boy, they’ll probably shout so much they’ll get all red in the face, too!”

“We’re going to want to savor every moment of this,” Brandon continued.

Sources confirmed the raid will take place concurrently with a court ruling that would fine the residents of a single state for using the phrase “Merry Christmas” instead of a more general holiday season expression.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close