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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Government Encroachment On Individual Liberties At All-Time High, Says Guy At Party

ANN ARBOR, MI—Individual freedom is ebbing in the U.S. due to steady government encroachment, Ann Arbor resident and camera-store employee Adam Britt told guests at a party Tuesday.

Adam Britt goes on and on to Jim Kass.

"Our way of thinking has shifted so that the individual, not corrupt private and public institutions, shoulders the blame for society's ills," Britt told fellow partygoer Jim Kass while helping himself to raw vegetables and dip. "The accused drug dealer is incarcerated without adequate due process under a mandatory-sentencing law, yet the corporate polluters get off scot-free."

Britt added that, ironically, much of this encroachment is the result of government deregulation throughout the '80s and '90s.

"Deregulation has meant the loss of accountability and obligation," said Britt, raising his voice slightly when a nearby stereo was turned up. "As constraints on corporations loosened in the early '80s, and the culture of greed intensified, individual rights took a drubbing. What's more, an American's basic right to a fair trial was undermined by skyrocketing attorney's fees and overburdened caseloads in courtrooms across the country. This meant that poorer Americans could not afford to adequately defend themselves or challenge others."

Britt was briefly interrupted by loud cheers, prompted by the sight of two burly young men carrying a full, untapped keg of Rolling Rock into the house. When the cheering died down, Britt returned to his point, noting that Americans may feel safer than ever, but that the price for such so-called "safety" may be too costly.

"Airport security areas, even in the smallest airports, resemble Iron Curtain checkpoints, yet no one ever complains about their excessiveness," Britt said. "I've seen children's Mickey Mouse suitcases inspected for bomb-making materials. People say they're willing to pay a high price to ensure their safety. But how high? Where do we draw the line?"

Turning to 23-year-old Alyssa Behrens after Kass went to the porch to "get some fresh air," Britt said that the 2000 presidential election was one of the most egregious examples of the government's disregard—and downright disdain—for the will of the people.

"The campaign had already been debased by the fact that the agendas of both major political parties were determined by corporate interests, not the voters," Britt told Behrens, whose escape plan was to finish her beer and get a refill in the kitchen. "Then Florida happened. Granted, the Democrats bear some blame for not insisting that the whole state be recounted, rather than just a few Democrat-controlled counties. But the Supreme Court's insistence that 'rule of law' must prevail even though serious doubts remained about the accuracy of the final count was a snow job that should rank with the Dred Scott decision for pure judicial arrogance."

Jon Light, one of the party's hosts, said he was only marginally acquainted with Britt, inviting him after Britt had given him a helpful crash course in film speeds at the camera store the day before.

"He seemed like a pretty nice guy when I first met him," Light said. "But I had no idea he was one of those political guys. Actually, I didn't find out until the morning after, when I talked to [roommate] Tim [Hecht], who said he got cornered by him for almost an hour."

"I saw the guy talking to Tim for a long-ass time, but I guess I figured he was going off about snowboarding or maybe that Gorillaz CD that was playing," Light continued. "Apparently, though, he was droning on about the government's restriction of individual liberties. The only individual liberties I saw restricted last night were poor Tim's and whoever else that guy managed to corner. Christ."

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