WASHINGTON—In a move designed to streamline government bureaucracy and better serve the population, an official Screw You Packet will be offered to all U.S. citizens, Clinton administration officials announced at a press conference earlier this week.
The packet, which is to be distributed in conjunction with 1995 federal tax forms, has been developed to consolidate all the disparate methods of bureaucratic hassle and degradation that the government systematically dispenses to the citizenry into one handy, 9X12 envelope.
“The compact packet has been designed to be user-friendly and intuitive,” said Sen. Charles Hankson (R-GA), who spearheaded the Screw You project through Congress. “Simple in-structions and easy-to-remember acro-nyms make the filing process as quick and painless as possible.”
In a user-friendly package, easy-to-understand forms will guide individuals through the quagmire of government red tape associated with the process of dealing with the federal government.
Filing the Screw You Packet is mandatory and easy. Here’s how:
The first step in using the Screw You Packet is to calculate your Economic Mobility Factor (EMF) via the easy-to-use EMF 1138 calculation sheet included in the packet. Those with an Economic Mobility Factor of 90 or above may mail or fax forms SC0089–L and SC0065–dd to their local Screw You EMF Processing Center (SYEMFPC).
Those in the EMF 90+ range who are unable to mail or fax in their forms may drop them off at SYEMFPC kiosks set up at post offices, public libraries and federal prisons in their vicinity. The Screw You Post-Deadline Enforcement Facility, a level-five Citizens Outreach Center (COC), has been designed to aid and safely house all citizens who have failed to file their EMF 1138 forms.
To access the COC operator designated for your nine-digit zip code area, complete forms SC00X349–B and SC00X289–L in the packet and send them along with forms SC01P349–B, SC89F349–C, TL89–G349–GG, JK7f9, 39847–2–B (dd–f) and SCIDUJE89 to a level-eight Citizen Outreach Facil-itator in your time zone.
Those with an EMF of 30 or below will have the added convenience of filing their EMF 1138 forms after Citizens Ou-t-reach Re-loca-tion Trans-port (CO-RT) relocates them to the newly constructed housing and work environments in the Northern Alas-ka Moun-tain Range, just miles from the Arctic Circle. Those unable to file forms after relocation may submit them to a Citizen’s Out-reach Repre-sentative dur-ing midnight pa-trols and interrogations.
Those with an EMF between 30 and 90 must submit their forms in person to a Screw You EMF Processing Center Clerk (SYEMFPCC). Appli-cants will meet with the SYEMFPCC and should arrange appointments via the State Application Auditing Appoint-ment Bureau (SAAAB). Once an ap-point-ment date has been set by the SAAAB, a Screw You Appoint-ment Con-fir-mation Card (SYA–CC--842) will be mailed in three to four days.
Upon receipt of the SYACC842, applicants will be required to register the appointment with the Screw You Local Appointment Registry Bureau within 48 hours of the receipt of the SYACC-842. Failure to register the appointment within the 48-hour period will result in a fine automatically added to their estimated SYEMF-1138 quotient. The amount of said fine can be determined by looking up an appropriate fine on the Screw You Fine/ Penalty Schedule 565612 (SYF/PS565612), which is available at the local Department of Fiduciary Adjustments (DFA). If there is no DFA in the applicant’s immediate Screw You zone, district, state or township, the applicant may contact the Federal Department of Fiduciary Adjustments in Washington, D.C., and speak to a Citizen’s Outreach Representative who will look up the predetermined fine on SYF/PS565612. Please note that there is a $50 processing fee for any and all telephone queries to the FDFA. Those wishing to charge the $50 fee can do so by mailing three copies of the SYEMF-1138, KSJU–387–SK, SKSP–90-EZ, and SC– 2389, with computer code 0101010 00010010101010101010101010101010 001000011011010101010101010101010101010010 and ACC-842, and forward them to the Federal Depart-ment of Fiduciary Adjust-ments Po-stal Pro-cessing Cen-ter (FDFA-PPC) in Boulder, CO. Forms re-ceived by the FDFAPPC will be pro-cessed and re-turned to applicants within six to eight weeks. Those who wish to receive forms sent to the FDFA-PPC in less than six to eight weeks may file a Fiduciary Cal-culation Acceleration Form 9056 (FCAF-9056) at their local SYEMFPC.
FCAF-9056 forms will be dispensed between the hours of 7:45 a.m. and 8:45 a.m. and are distributed on a first come, first served basis. Completed forms should be returned to the FDFA in Washington, D.C. All FCAF-9056 forms that have not cleared authentication via the FDFA in Washington, D.C., will be rendered null and void and will not be forwarded to the FDFAPPC in Boulder. Applicants who misdirect their FCAF-9056 forms will incur a $10 per SYEMF-1138 factor fine. The fine must be paid within 36 hours or applicant will be subject to house arrest and strip-searched by the Armed Outreach Response Team (AORT), an independently operated division of the Screw You Outreach Con-sortium (SYOC).