Government Issues Citizens Official 'Screw You' Packet

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John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

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CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

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John Kerry Jettisons Russian Henchmen From International Space Station Airlock

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CDC Horrified After Discovering Existence Of Thousands Of Public Pools

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The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

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EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

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Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

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Head Of IRS Has Personal Filing System To Keep Track Of Nation’s Tax Returns

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WASHINGTON—Pointing out the towering stacks of manila folders cluttering his desk and stepping carefully around the millions of forms laid out on his office floor, Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service John Koskinen showed reporters Thursday his own personal filing system for keeping track of everyone in the nation’s tax returns.

Pentagon Holds Gala To Celebrate 25 Years Of Bombing Iraq

WASHINGTON—Bringing together the many civilian leaders and military strategists who helped them reach such a historic milestone, Pentagon officials held a lavish black-tie gala Sunday at which, sources said, they commemorated 25 years of the United States bombing Iraq.

How Firearm Background Checks Work

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How Refugees Are Admitted Into The U.S.

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City Adds Some Big Concrete Stairs

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

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NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Biden Offers Government Post To Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark

WASHINGTON—Calling the late-night horror film host well-suited for the job “and then some,” Vice President Joe Biden offered Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, an entry-level position within the U.S. Office of Personnel Management, White House sources confirmed Thursday.

Nicaraguan Diplomat Drops Deadly Spider Onto John Kerry’s Blanket

ISLA GRANDE DEL MAÍZ, NICARAGUA—Creeping stealthily into the bungalow where John Kerry lay sleeping after a trade summit Thursday, Nicaraguan Minister of Foreign Affairs Samuel Santos López, illuminated only by a sliver of moon, reportedly slid open the lid of a small pine box and released a deadly Brazilian wandering spider onto the blanket of his American counterpart.

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.

What’s Next For U.S.-Cuban Relations

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Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Report Finds Drug Tunnels Most Intact Transport Infrastructure In U.S.

ARLINGTON, VA—Touting the extensive safety precautions, routine maintenance, and limited congestion, a report published Friday by the American Transportation Research Institute revealed that drug tunnels are now the most intact and reliable form of transport infrastructure in the United States.

Vilsack Stays Up All Night With Sick Corn Plant

WASHINGTON—Gently applying a cool cloth to the plant’s kernels as he cradled its frail stalk in his arms, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack stayed up all night caring for a sick corn plant, sources close to the former Iowa governor confirmed Tuesday.
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Government Issues Citizens Official 'Screw You' Packet

WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to streamline degradation of the American populace and consolidate all forms of bureaucratic hassle into one convenient mailing, federal officials announced Monday that, beginning in 1999, the government will issue all citizens an annual "Screw You" packet.

The packet, which is to be distributed in conjunction with federal tax forms, will condense the government's countless methods of abuse into a single handy 9x12 envelope.

"The federal government's current citizen-persecution system is inefficient and wasteful," said Sen. Alfonse D'Amato (R-NY), who spearheaded the congressional task force that developed the "Screw You" packet. "This compact packet is not only cost-effective, it's user-friendly and intuitive. Simple instructions and easy-to-remember acronyms make the filing process as quick and painless as possible."

The packet's easy-to-understand forms will free citizens of the nightmare of red tape normally associated with federal filings. Filling out and returning the "Screw You" packet is mandatory and easy. Here's how:

The first step is to calculate your Economic Mobility Factor using the convenient EMF 1138 calculation sheet included in the packet. Those with an Economic Mobility Factor of 90 or above may mail or fax forms SC0089-L and SC0065-DD to their local Screw You EMF Processing Center. They may also drop them off at SYEMFPC kiosks conveniently set up at post offices and public libraries across the U.S.

Those with an EMF between 30 and 90 must submit their forms in person to a Screw You EMF Processing Center Clerk. Such applicants must meet with the SYEMFPCC, and should arrange appointments via the State Application Auditing Appointment Bureau. Once an appointment date has been set by the SAAAB, a Screw You Appointment Confirmation Card will be mailed to you within three to four weeks.

Upon receipt of the Screw You Appointment Confirmation Card, applicants will be required to register the appointment with the Screw You Appointment Registry Bureau. Failure to register the appointment within a 48-hour period will result in a fine automatically added to your estimated SYEMF-1138 quotient.

The convenient new Screw You packet.

The amount of the fine can be determined by using Screw You Fine/ Penalty Schedule 565612, which is available at all local Department of Fiduciary Adjustment branch offices. If there is no DFA office in your immediate Screw You zone, district, state or township, you should contact the Federal Department of Fiduciary Adjustments in Washington, D.C., and ask to speak to a Citizen's Outreach Representative who will look up the predetermined fine on SYF/PS565612.

There is a $50 processing fee for any and all telephone queries to the FDFA. Those wishing to charge the $50 fee can do so by making three copies of forms SYEMF-1138, KSJU-387-SK, SKSP-90-EZ, and SC-2389, along with computer code 0100010 and ACC-842, and forwarding them to the Federal Department of Fiduciary Adjustments Postal Processing Center in Colorado Springs, CO.

Forms received by the FDFAPPC will be processed and returned to applicants within six to eight weeks. Those who wish to have their forms returned in less than six to eight weeks may file a Fiduciary Calculation Acceleration Form 9056 at their local SYEMFPC.

FCAF-9056 forms will be available Monday to Tuesday between the hours of 7:45 a.m. and 8:15 a.m., and are distributed on a first-come, first-serve basis. Completed forms should be returned to the FDFA in Washington, DC. All FCAF-9056 forms that have not cleared authentication via the FDFA in Washington, DC, will be rendered null and void, and will not be forwarded to the FDFAPPC in Colorado Springs.

Applicants who misdirect their FCAF-9056 forms will draw a $10 per SYEMF-1138 fine. The fine must be paid within 36 hours, or the applicant will be subject to house arrest and strip-search by the Armed Outreach Response Team, an independently operated division of the Screw You Outreach Consortium.

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