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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Government Shutdown Forces National Zoo To Turn Off Panda Suicide Cam

WASHINGTON—Along with a host of other nonessential federal services that were indefinitely shuttered following the government’s Monday night shutdown, the National Zoo’s beloved panda suicide cam went dark Tuesday morning, zoo officials confirmed. “You mean that newborn baby panda might kill herself and I won’t be able to see it live?” said Maryland resident Angela Krest, 39, echoing the sentiment of many Americans who were disappointed to see the temporary interruption of the zoo’s 24-hour live feed monitoring the pandas’ attempts at self-inflicted death. “I was really looking forward to seeing how she’s going to do it. Will she climb up as far as she can on a bamboo shoot and then try to leap to her death? Will she just try to knock her head on a rock over and over? Frankly, I don’t see why I have to be punished and miss seeing a panda take its own life just because of some partisan bickering.” At press time, the National Zoo issued a statement reassuring Americans they would do “everything in [their] power” to delay the suicide of any panda until such time as the suicide cam was back online.

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