adBlockCheck

Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
End Of Section
  • More News

Government Shutdown Forces National Zoo To Turn Off Panda Suicide Cam

WASHINGTON—Along with a host of other nonessential federal services that were indefinitely shuttered following the government’s Monday night shutdown, the National Zoo’s beloved panda suicide cam went dark Tuesday morning, zoo officials confirmed. “You mean that newborn baby panda might kill herself and I won’t be able to see it live?” said Maryland resident Angela Krest, 39, echoing the sentiment of many Americans who were disappointed to see the temporary interruption of the zoo’s 24-hour live feed monitoring the pandas’ attempts at self-inflicted death. “I was really looking forward to seeing how she’s going to do it. Will she climb up as far as she can on a bamboo shoot and then try to leap to her death? Will she just try to knock her head on a rock over and over? Frankly, I don’t see why I have to be punished and miss seeing a panda take its own life just because of some partisan bickering.” At press time, the National Zoo issued a statement reassuring Americans they would do “everything in [their] power” to delay the suicide of any panda until such time as the suicide cam was back online.

More from this section

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close