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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Government Shutdown Forces National Zoo To Turn Off Panda Suicide Cam

WASHINGTON—Along with a host of other nonessential federal services that were indefinitely shuttered following the government’s Monday night shutdown, the National Zoo’s beloved panda suicide cam went dark Tuesday morning, zoo officials confirmed. “You mean that newborn baby panda might kill herself and I won’t be able to see it live?” said Maryland resident Angela Krest, 39, echoing the sentiment of many Americans who were disappointed to see the temporary interruption of the zoo’s 24-hour live feed monitoring the pandas’ attempts at self-inflicted death. “I was really looking forward to seeing how she’s going to do it. Will she climb up as far as she can on a bamboo shoot and then try to leap to her death? Will she just try to knock her head on a rock over and over? Frankly, I don’t see why I have to be punished and miss seeing a panda take its own life just because of some partisan bickering.” At press time, the National Zoo issued a statement reassuring Americans they would do “everything in [their] power” to delay the suicide of any panda until such time as the suicide cam was back online.

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