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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.
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Government To Defend Marriage From Dashing Reginald St. Croix, Esq.

WASHINGTON, DC—Amid clamor from thousands of cuckolded husbands nationwide, a bipartisan group of lawmakers has drafted legislation designed to safeguard the institution of marriage, the moral cornerstone of American society, from the greatest threat to its sanctity: suave master-seducer Reginald St. Croix, Esq.

Reginald St. Croix, Esq., rake, knave, and despoiler of the divine institution.

"I coauthored the Defense Of Marriage From Reginald St. Croix Act because I find it unconscionable that our nation would allow this brazen scourge of connubial bliss to thrive unchecked," Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) said. "Why, just this last week he approached my wife Karyn at a Senate mixer, brought her hand to his full, sensuous lips, and requested the honor of calling on her in the garden. The very idea!"

Sources close to the senator confirmed that Karyn Frist, incapacitated by unabated swooning since the incident, has been confined to her canopy bed by physicians.

Although little is known of St. Croix's parentage, provenance, or means of support, he is known to be an unusually well-formed man in his mid-to-late 30s, possessed of pellucid blue eyes, dark wavy hair, a silver tongue, and an all-encompassing appetite for the company of attached womanhood. 

Tax records and divorce statistics, as well as hundreds of signed affidavits, demonstrate that the charismatic roué has been the cause of over 1,300 American divorces since January 2001.

"I was as a fawn mesmerized before a serpent, helpless before its untoward advances," said Mrs. C. Clemmons Burroughs, estranged and disgraced wife of the noted industrial magnate, now cloistered in the Philadelphia Home For The Ruined Woman, run by Carmelite nuns. "I considered myself as sworn to my mate as any wife, secure in my devotion, until I granted a single dance to Reginald at the Industrialists' New Year's Ball. One dance, and I was enraptured; one week, and my reputation ruined; one month, my marriage followed suit. I urge our leaders to take any action, invoke whatever power possible, pass whatever law necessary to stop the predations of Reginald St. Croix, Esquire!"

Hundreds of honor-besmirched husbands showed their support for the bill outside the Capitol.

"Yet I love him still!" added Mrs. Burroughs, who collapsed on a nearby divan, quite inconsolable.

The Defense Of Marriage From Reginald St. Croix Bill, expected to easily pass both houses of Congress before the summer recess, will include legal measures against St. Croix, as well as a number of punishments, ranging from banishment to a chemically derived form of gelding.

In addition to specifically naming St. Croix as a bounder, a masher, and a cad "who leaves naught but broken hearts and litters of bastards in his musky wake," the bill also names as grievous philanderers Capt. Mason Hewlett, a seafaring rake who frequents many ports-of-call along the Eastern Seaboard; Cole Stallion, whose predation upon the marriages of ranchers and farmers threatens matrimonial unions on the western plains; and "Slick Petey" McGee, a Seattle-based traveling brush salesman.

Despite overwhelming support in a Congress that has experienced firsthand the damage wrought by St. Croix—specifically Frist, House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL), and Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA)—some fault the bill for failing to protect American marriages from the international marital terrorism of El Macho, Le Comte de Libertin, and Ravishin' Dan, The Kissin' Canuck.

Still, President Bush has promised to sign the bill into law as soon as it crosses his desk.

"The American people cannot stand idly by and allow this scoundrel St. Croix to destroy the sacred institution of marriage," President Bush said in a televised address Monday.

Laura Bush, who did not appear with her husband for the address, was unavailable for comment. The White House would neither confirm nor deny that the First Lady has been sequestered in the Lincoln Bedroom since late May, weeping uncontrollably into one of St. Croix's cast-off, Royall Bay Rhum-scented handkerchiefs.

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