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Politics

Priebus Grateful He Had So Little Dignity To Begin With

WASHINGTON—Taking stock of his present circumstances as he packed up his belongings and exited the West Wing after being pushed out of office by the president of the United States, former White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus expressed a sense of gratitude Friday that he had so little dignity to begin with.

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Governor Approves 24-Hour Waiting Period For Women Voters

MADISON, WI—In a long-awaited follow-up to the 24-hour hold on women’s checks, Gov. Tommy Thompson signed a bill yesterday requiring a 24-hour waiting period for women vo-ters. According to the bill, women will come to their polling location and receive counseling and ad-vice concerning their political selections, and will be shown pictures of both candidates to help them decide for whom they want to vote. Thompson stressed that not only do women have a “right to know,” but also that “by having to make two trips to the polls, they will be less likely to make the foolish mistakes their sex is often prone to make.” The Wisconsin Chapter of the National Orga-nization for Women pro-tested the bill with a rally outside the Capitol, claim-ing that the new measure prevents wo-men from voting, as they would be returning to the polls the day after the election. Thompson was unavailable for comment, but John Haines, his press secretary, dismissed the allegations as an emotional over-reaction typical of women. He added that the ad-ministration is looking in-to a 24-hour waiting period for ral-lies by wo-men’s groups to make sure they understand all the facts before protesting. “Per-haps, once again, pictures could be used to assist the women in their decision-making pro-cess,” Haines said.

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Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

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