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Governor Approves 24-Hour Waiting Period For Women Voters

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Who Is Gary Johnson?

Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.
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Governor Approves 24-Hour Waiting Period For Women Voters

MADISON, WI—In a long-awaited follow-up to the 24-hour hold on women’s checks, Gov. Tommy Thompson signed a bill yesterday requiring a 24-hour waiting period for women vo-ters. According to the bill, women will come to their polling location and receive counseling and ad-vice concerning their political selections, and will be shown pictures of both candidates to help them decide for whom they want to vote. Thompson stressed that not only do women have a “right to know,” but also that “by having to make two trips to the polls, they will be less likely to make the foolish mistakes their sex is often prone to make.” The Wisconsin Chapter of the National Orga-nization for Women pro-tested the bill with a rally outside the Capitol, claim-ing that the new measure prevents wo-men from voting, as they would be returning to the polls the day after the election. Thompson was unavailable for comment, but John Haines, his press secretary, dismissed the allegations as an emotional over-reaction typical of women. He added that the ad-ministration is looking in-to a 24-hour waiting period for ral-lies by wo-men’s groups to make sure they understand all the facts before protesting. “Per-haps, once again, pictures could be used to assist the women in their decision-making pro-cess,” Haines said.

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