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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Grace North Answers Your Questions

Grace North, wife of Congressman Ronald North guest blogs today, answering your questions about how to move on in the face of personal adversity.

Grace, you've been such an inspiration. Three years ago, my husband left me for a much younger woman. I know I should move on, but I can't. Any advice?
--Kelly B, Huntington Beach, CA

Kelly, all I can say is that it takes time, so don't beat yourself up. In fact, indulge yourself, perhaps with a few of our French Colonial throw pillows. Their rich fabrics and sophisticated accents will complement any traditional or contemporary decorating scheme.

Your story has truly moved me. I am in awe of your strength. My ex-husband refuses to pay child support and has not come to visit our son in over a year. How do you explain these "adult" things to young children?
--Maya R, Florence, SC

Well, Maya, it's never easy, but try to deal with it on their level. For instance, our youngest, Natalie, is 11, so I went up to her room and we just sat in a comfy pile of pillows from the Graceful Moments, Snuggly Kids™ Collection. The pillows are whimsical and bright, but also made of a sturdy poly-cotton blend so that you can have a fun pillow fight after you talk to him about what a deadbeat her father is.

Hi Grace, I recently lost my son to a drunk driver. He was only 14 and I'm in so much pain. What do I do?
--Andrea P, Great Falls, MT

Andrea, I'm so sorry to hear that. In fact, I'm so sorry, I'm giving you a 20% discount on any pillow in my Modern Urban Collection. Just use this discount code: comfort296. Congratulations. I hope a luxurious set of pillows helps to ease your suffering.

Grace, after my husband left me, I've been having thoughts of suicide. Did you ever feel that way?
--Gloria S, Denton TX

Gloria, unfortunately as a businesswoman, I don't have time to kill myself. But I do know that if I were to shoot myself in the head through one of my Oversized Microsuede throw pillows, it would probably silence the gunshot. Hope this helps!

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