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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Graduating Seniors Somber After Being Financially Exploited On Field For Last Time

ARLINGTON, TX—Following Ohio State’s 42-20 victory over Oregon in Monday’s inaugural College Football Playoff National Championship, graduating seniors from both teams were admittedly somber after being financially exploited on the field for the last time in their collegiate careers. “I don’t think it really sunk in until after the game ended, but it’s hard knowing this was the last time I’ll ever go out there and be completely taken advantage of by an incredibly wealthy institution earning millions upon millions of dollars whenever I play,” said senior Oregon center Hroniss Grasu, who was visibly saddened when describing his final appearance as a pawn used to make enormous profits for his coaches, school officials, and the NCAA without earning a single cent in return. “You never think the day will come when you won’t be able to sacrifice your body on Saturdays for no pay whatsoever while your school generates incredible amounts of money off your back. I’m just glad I really cherished it while it lasted.” Grasu added, however, that he is excited to play in the NFL next season, where his contract can be immediately voided as soon as he suffers a career-threatening injury.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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