MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Graduating Seniors Somber After Being Financially Exploited On Field For Last Time

ARLINGTON, TX—Following Ohio State’s 42-20 victory over Oregon in Monday’s inaugural College Football Playoff National Championship, graduating seniors from both teams were admittedly somber after being financially exploited on the field for the last time in their collegiate careers. “I don’t think it really sunk in until after the game ended, but it’s hard knowing this was the last time I’ll ever go out there and be completely taken advantage of by an incredibly wealthy institution earning millions upon millions of dollars whenever I play,” said senior Oregon center Hroniss Grasu, who was visibly saddened when describing his final appearance as a pawn used to make enormous profits for his coaches, school officials, and the NCAA without earning a single cent in return. “You never think the day will come when you won’t be able to sacrifice your body on Saturdays for no pay whatsoever while your school generates incredible amounts of money off your back. I’m just glad I really cherished it while it lasted.” Grasu added, however, that he is excited to play in the NFL next season, where his contract can be immediately voided as soon as he suffers a career-threatening injury.

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