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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Graffiti Artist Completes Masterwork ‘Still Life Of Marijuana Leaf’

BUFFALO, NY—Revealing his most recent offering, which further solidifies his rightful place in the cultural pantheon, local graffiti artist Patrick “Jester” Dunham told reporters Friday that he has at last put the finishing touches on his latest masterwork, “Still Life Of Marijuana Leaf.” “My newest creation combines the natural and the contrived, the unexpected and the everyday; it represents everything I’ve achieved so far, while also suggesting what exciting frontiers lie ahead,” Dunham said of his towering opus depicting a single monochrome Cannabis frond, which follows the aerosol master’s recent tours de force, “Anarchy Symbol,” “Dead Kennedys Logo,” and “Fuck You #8.” “In my early period, I attempted to merely assimilate the methods of those great virtuosos who came before me, but today I paint solely from within, channeling that deepest part of me and expressing my innermost self on the brick. And I think the intensity of that process comes out in my work.” Dunham added that those wishing to experience his chef d’oeuvre for themselves may do so by visiting the western exterior of the Exchange Street Amtrak station, where the painting will be displayed alongside the location’s permanent collection of bubble-letter slurs and phalluses.

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