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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Graffiti Artist Completes Masterwork ‘Still Life Of Marijuana Leaf’

BUFFALO, NY—Revealing his most recent offering, which further solidifies his rightful place in the cultural pantheon, local graffiti artist Patrick “Jester” Dunham told reporters Friday that he has at last put the finishing touches on his latest masterwork, “Still Life Of Marijuana Leaf.” “My newest creation combines the natural and the contrived, the unexpected and the everyday; it represents everything I’ve achieved so far, while also suggesting what exciting frontiers lie ahead,” Dunham said of his towering opus depicting a single monochrome Cannabis frond, which follows the aerosol master’s recent tours de force, “Anarchy Symbol,” “Dead Kennedys Logo,” and “Fuck You #8.” “In my early period, I attempted to merely assimilate the methods of those great virtuosos who came before me, but today I paint solely from within, channeling that deepest part of me and expressing my innermost self on the brick. And I think the intensity of that process comes out in my work.” Dunham added that those wishing to experience his chef d’oeuvre for themselves may do so by visiting the western exterior of the Exchange Street Amtrak station, where the painting will be displayed alongside the location’s permanent collection of bubble-letter slurs and phalluses.

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