‘Grand Theft Auto V’ Missions To Focus Largely On Tutoring, Community Outreach

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Vol 49 Issue 21

3-Day Weekend Practically Already Over

WASHINGTON—According to sources, the long Memorial Day weekend in honor of Monday’s federal holiday is practically over already, with the hours left in said weekend dwindling away at an increasingly rapid pace even as you read this news articl...

Obama Vows To Wind Down War On Terror

After more than a decade of war, President Obama stated yesterday that the U.S. should limit drone strikes, close the Guantánamo Bay detention facility, and repeal the Authorization for Use of Military Force that was enacted after Sept.

Timeline Of The War On Terror

0 AD–September 11, 2001: Everything fine September 11, 2001: September 11, 2001 September 12, 2001: A determined George W. Bush responds to the Sept. 11 attacks by swiftly promising two failed wars, a nearly 10-year manhunt for...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

‘Grand Theft Auto V’ Missions To Focus Largely On Tutoring, Community Outreach

NEW YORK—Confirming months of speculation, developers at Rockstar Games revealed today that the missions in the upcoming Grand Theft Auto V video game will largely revolve around the player serving as a tutor and volunteering for various community outreach programs. “We’ve developed a deep and immersive gaming experience wherein players will be able to go on a diverse array of missions, from coaching high school students in math to working closely with a series of nonprofit groups with a focus on aiding disadvantaged neighborhoods,” Rockstar President Sam Houser said of the newest installment in the popular GTA series, noting that the game will take place in the expansive open world of Los Santos, which the main character can safely traverse in a two-door sedan loaded with study materials and potted plants. “As the game develops, players will eventually be able to undertake more challenging missions relating to LSAT prep and inner-city soccer programs, as well as unlock a one-bedroom apartment that offers a quicker commute to the Boys and Girls Club. That is, if they pass the credit check.” Though Houser refused to divulge additional details, sources have hinted that the game ends with a tragic episode in which the player is beaten and subsequently run over by a carjacker.

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