adBlockCheck

‘Grand Theft Auto V’ Missions To Focus Largely On Tutoring, Community Outreach

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

‘Grand Theft Auto V’ Missions To Focus Largely On Tutoring, Community Outreach

NEW YORK—Confirming months of speculation, developers at Rockstar Games revealed today that the missions in the upcoming Grand Theft Auto V video game will largely revolve around the player serving as a tutor and volunteering for various community outreach programs. “We’ve developed a deep and immersive gaming experience wherein players will be able to go on a diverse array of missions, from coaching high school students in math to working closely with a series of nonprofit groups with a focus on aiding disadvantaged neighborhoods,” Rockstar President Sam Houser said of the newest installment in the popular GTA series, noting that the game will take place in the expansive open world of Los Santos, which the main character can safely traverse in a two-door sedan loaded with study materials and potted plants. “As the game develops, players will eventually be able to undertake more challenging missions relating to LSAT prep and inner-city soccer programs, as well as unlock a one-bedroom apartment that offers a quicker commute to the Boys and Girls Club. That is, if they pass the credit check.” Though Houser refused to divulge additional details, sources have hinted that the game ends with a tragic episode in which the player is beaten and subsequently run over by a carjacker.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close