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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

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HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Grandfather Disrespected In Own Home

AKRON, OH—Though he is wise, benevolent, and the eldest male member of his family, grandfather Jerry Morgenthau, 74, was shown a degree of filial piety more fitting a dog or pig Tuesday when younger relatives disrespected him in his own home.

Reports indicate the retired steelworker and patriarch—who, unlike his insolent offspring, has cultivated great virtue in his time upon this earth—was ignored and patronized by his son's family throughout their brief visit.

Morgenthau's own firstborn child displayed unforgivable disobedience by smiling and nodding while dismissing his father's expert counsel on matters ranging from home maintenance to the best methods for attaining low-cost airfare to Florida.

"Okay, Dad," said Derek Morgenthau, who should be harshly chided for failing to glorify his ancestors.

In addition, Morgenthau's granddaughters, who owe him their very lives, blatantly lied to him while claiming they would "definitely" follow his advice and choose a college closer to home, as if they possessed one tenth—even one one-thousandth—the wisdom of this noble sage.

Grandchildren, sources confirmed, should do what they are told.

"We try to get out to Dad's every couple months," said Derek Morgenthau, whose transgressions are too many to list, but include migrating to the urban center of Dayton and starting a family there without inviting his father to live with them as master of the household. "It's important that the girls get to know their grandfather."

Apparently unfamiliar with the story of Shanzi—a man who spent his days and nights aiding his blind parents, and, because of his undying devotion, was restored to life after the emperor accidentally shot him during a deer hunt—Derek smugly added, "Dad can be a little tough to deal with sometimes, but he means well."

This is, sadly, not the only occasion upon which Morgenthau's unworthy descendants have failed to demonstrate their utmost loyalty and deference. Earlier this year, they suggested that Morgenthau, despite his wealth of life experience and the Mandate of Heaven he received to lead the family, should no longer drive at night. And just last month the sacred bond between ancestors and future generations was severed when Morgenthau's grandchildren interrupted him before he could once again impart the glorious and instructive tale of how he came to be Rotary Club president in 1976.

The ultimate dishonor, however, occurred on Father's Day, when his daughter-in-law Heidi denied his request for a second slice of pie, as if Morgenthau needed a woman half his age, who acts as if she were Empress Wu herself, to remind him of his insulin deficiency. With this act of impudence, Heidi Morgenthau proved herself undeserving of the family name.

To this day she has not produced a single male heir.

"It's nice that they visit," said Morgenthau, an unfailing moral exemplar to whom all should express dutiful reverence. "But I'm glad they left after an hour. The Indians game was starting."鱼

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