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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Grandfather Disrespected In Own Home

AKRON, OH—Though he is wise, benevolent, and the eldest male member of his family, grandfather Jerry Morgenthau, 74, was shown a degree of filial piety more fitting a dog or pig Tuesday when younger relatives disrespected him in his own home.

Reports indicate the retired steelworker and patriarch—who, unlike his insolent offspring, has cultivated great virtue in his time upon this earth—was ignored and patronized by his son's family throughout their brief visit.

Morgenthau's own firstborn child displayed unforgivable disobedience by smiling and nodding while dismissing his father's expert counsel on matters ranging from home maintenance to the best methods for attaining low-cost airfare to Florida.

"Okay, Dad," said Derek Morgenthau, who should be harshly chided for failing to glorify his ancestors.

In addition, Morgenthau's granddaughters, who owe him their very lives, blatantly lied to him while claiming they would "definitely" follow his advice and choose a college closer to home, as if they possessed one tenth—even one one-thousandth—the wisdom of this noble sage.

Grandchildren, sources confirmed, should do what they are told.

"We try to get out to Dad's every couple months," said Derek Morgenthau, whose transgressions are too many to list, but include migrating to the urban center of Dayton and starting a family there without inviting his father to live with them as master of the household. "It's important that the girls get to know their grandfather."

Apparently unfamiliar with the story of Shanzi—a man who spent his days and nights aiding his blind parents, and, because of his undying devotion, was restored to life after the emperor accidentally shot him during a deer hunt—Derek smugly added, "Dad can be a little tough to deal with sometimes, but he means well."

This is, sadly, not the only occasion upon which Morgenthau's unworthy descendants have failed to demonstrate their utmost loyalty and deference. Earlier this year, they suggested that Morgenthau, despite his wealth of life experience and the Mandate of Heaven he received to lead the family, should no longer drive at night. And just last month the sacred bond between ancestors and future generations was severed when Morgenthau's grandchildren interrupted him before he could once again impart the glorious and instructive tale of how he came to be Rotary Club president in 1976.

The ultimate dishonor, however, occurred on Father's Day, when his daughter-in-law Heidi denied his request for a second slice of pie, as if Morgenthau needed a woman half his age, who acts as if she were Empress Wu herself, to remind him of his insulin deficiency. With this act of impudence, Heidi Morgenthau proved herself undeserving of the family name.

To this day she has not produced a single male heir.

"It's nice that they visit," said Morgenthau, an unfailing moral exemplar to whom all should express dutiful reverence. "But I'm glad they left after an hour. The Indians game was starting."鱼

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