adBlockCheck

Grandfather Disrespected In Own Home

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Grandfather Disrespected In Own Home

AKRON, OH—Though he is wise, benevolent, and the eldest male member of his family, grandfather Jerry Morgenthau, 74, was shown a degree of filial piety more fitting a dog or pig Tuesday when younger relatives disrespected him in his own home.

Reports indicate the retired steelworker and patriarch—who, unlike his insolent offspring, has cultivated great virtue in his time upon this earth—was ignored and patronized by his son's family throughout their brief visit.

Morgenthau's own firstborn child displayed unforgivable disobedience by smiling and nodding while dismissing his father's expert counsel on matters ranging from home maintenance to the best methods for attaining low-cost airfare to Florida.

"Okay, Dad," said Derek Morgenthau, who should be harshly chided for failing to glorify his ancestors.

In addition, Morgenthau's granddaughters, who owe him their very lives, blatantly lied to him while claiming they would "definitely" follow his advice and choose a college closer to home, as if they possessed one tenth—even one one-thousandth—the wisdom of this noble sage.

Grandchildren, sources confirmed, should do what they are told.

"We try to get out to Dad's every couple months," said Derek Morgenthau, whose transgressions are too many to list, but include migrating to the urban center of Dayton and starting a family there without inviting his father to live with them as master of the household. "It's important that the girls get to know their grandfather."

Apparently unfamiliar with the story of Shanzi—a man who spent his days and nights aiding his blind parents, and, because of his undying devotion, was restored to life after the emperor accidentally shot him during a deer hunt—Derek smugly added, "Dad can be a little tough to deal with sometimes, but he means well."

This is, sadly, not the only occasion upon which Morgenthau's unworthy descendants have failed to demonstrate their utmost loyalty and deference. Earlier this year, they suggested that Morgenthau, despite his wealth of life experience and the Mandate of Heaven he received to lead the family, should no longer drive at night. And just last month the sacred bond between ancestors and future generations was severed when Morgenthau's grandchildren interrupted him before he could once again impart the glorious and instructive tale of how he came to be Rotary Club president in 1976.

The ultimate dishonor, however, occurred on Father's Day, when his daughter-in-law Heidi denied his request for a second slice of pie, as if Morgenthau needed a woman half his age, who acts as if she were Empress Wu herself, to remind him of his insulin deficiency. With this act of impudence, Heidi Morgenthau proved herself undeserving of the family name.

To this day she has not produced a single male heir.

"It's nice that they visit," said Morgenthau, an unfailing moral exemplar to whom all should express dutiful reverence. "But I'm glad they left after an hour. The Indians game was starting."鱼

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close