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Grandfather Not Taking South Korea’s Little League World Series Win Very Well

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

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RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Grandfather Not Taking South Korea’s Little League World Series Win Very Well

WARREN, OH—Following the conclusion of the Little League World Series Sunday, sources confirmed that local 82-year-old grandfather Harold Wright hasn’t been taking the South Korean team’s championship win particularly well. “It’s a travesty, is what it is,” Wright said in the wake of Seoul Little League’s 8-4 victory over Chicago’s Jackie Robinson West squad, reportedly staring in disgust at the group of exuberant Korean youth athletes celebrating on his television screen. “And in our own backyard, no less. What a shame.” At press time, sources confirmed that three days after the championship, Wright continued to occasionally shake his head while muttering, “God damn them.”

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