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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Grandfather Not Taking South Korea’s Little League World Series Win Very Well

WARREN, OH—Following the conclusion of the Little League World Series Sunday, sources confirmed that local 82-year-old grandfather Harold Wright hasn’t been taking the South Korean team’s championship win particularly well. “It’s a travesty, is what it is,” Wright said in the wake of Seoul Little League’s 8-4 victory over Chicago’s Jackie Robinson West squad, reportedly staring in disgust at the group of exuberant Korean youth athletes celebrating on his television screen. “And in our own backyard, no less. What a shame.” At press time, sources confirmed that three days after the championship, Wright continued to occasionally shake his head while muttering, “God damn them.”

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