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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Grandfather Tries To Make First Fall As Cool-Looking As Possible

DECATUR, IL—Not wanting to appear old or frail in front of his family, 78-year-old Gordon Isensee did everything in his power Thursday to make his first crippling fall look as cool as possible. "I felt my knees buckle and I knew I had to act quick to try to make it look as smooth as possible," Isensee said. "I crumpled to the kitchen floor but managed to extend my arms out, say 'Ta-da!' and tell everyone who was standing over me that I'd be there all week. I think that really impressed them." Isensee then spent the entire ambulance ride thinking about the perfect catheter joke he could tell his grandchildren when they visited him at the hospital.

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