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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Grandfather Tries To Make First Fall As Cool-Looking As Possible

DECATUR, IL—Not wanting to appear old or frail in front of his family, 78-year-old Gordon Isensee did everything in his power Thursday to make his first crippling fall look as cool as possible. "I felt my knees buckle and I knew I had to act quick to try to make it look as smooth as possible," Isensee said. "I crumpled to the kitchen floor but managed to extend my arms out, say 'Ta-da!' and tell everyone who was standing over me that I'd be there all week. I think that really impressed them." Isensee then spent the entire ambulance ride thinking about the perfect catheter joke he could tell his grandchildren when they visited him at the hospital.

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