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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Grandfather's Advice Pretty Bad For Someone Who's Lived That Long

NORTH AUGUSTA, SC—According to household sources, the Sederquest family was astounded by the glut of terrible advice offered Sunday by grandfather Bill Sederquest, with several younger members marveling at the fact that someone who has been alive since 1937 could have so little wisdom to offer. "He kept telling me I didn't have to be in love to get married, saying that as soon as I settled down with a woman and started having kids, I'd just get used to it," said 17-year-old grandson Cody, whose grandfather also told him it was important to drive everywhere, as it would show people he was able to afford a nice car and gasoline. "I know I'm supposed to be respectful, but I have no idea how to respond when he tells me that if a guy's giving me trouble, I should punch him in the back of the head when he's not looking." Family members said they were also dismayed to learn that grandmother Eileen plans to pass her awful recipes down to the next generation.

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