Grandfather's Advice Pretty Bad For Someone Who's Lived That Long

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Grandfather's Advice Pretty Bad For Someone Who's Lived That Long

NORTH AUGUSTA, SC—According to household sources, the Sederquest family was astounded by the glut of terrible advice offered Sunday by grandfather Bill Sederquest, with several younger members marveling at the fact that someone who has been alive since 1937 could have so little wisdom to offer. "He kept telling me I didn't have to be in love to get married, saying that as soon as I settled down with a woman and started having kids, I'd just get used to it," said 17-year-old grandson Cody, whose grandfather also told him it was important to drive everywhere, as it would show people he was able to afford a nice car and gasoline. "I know I'm supposed to be respectful, but I have no idea how to respond when he tells me that if a guy's giving me trouble, I should punch him in the back of the head when he's not looking." Family members said they were also dismayed to learn that grandmother Eileen plans to pass her awful recipes down to the next generation.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close