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Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

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APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.
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Grandiose Delusion Of Own Self-Importance Only Thing Keeping CEO Alive, Doctors Say

The CEO’s vitals are improving because he not only knows he’s a megalomaniac but really likes that he is one.
The CEO’s vitals are improving because he not only knows he’s a megalomaniac but really likes that he is one.

GREENWICH, CT—Days after being admitted to the clinic’s intensive care unit, physicians at Greenwich Hospital relayed Thursday the improving condition of Invictus Mutual Funds CEO Charles Latham, 67, a man whose grand delusion of self-importance is the only thing keeping him alive at this point, doctors confirmed.

“While Mr. Latham is suffering from a severe bout of pneumonia that in most cases would be classified as terminal, his unparalleled egomania has enabled him to fight off the infection,” said pulmonary disease specialist Dr. Henry Calhoun, who admitted he had never before seen such an inflated sense of self-worth in a patient. “Though the bacteria has spread to both of his lungs, thanks to Mr. Latham’s all-consuming arrogance and belief that he was placed here on earth to achieve greatness, he continues to evade death. It’s truly remarkable.”

“Honestly, a less self-absorbed man wouldn’t have made it through that first night,” Calhoun added.

According to hospital records, Latham was brought to the ICU in a critical state, suffering from a high fever and experiencing trouble breathing, which in most cases are symptoms of an impending cardiovascular collapse. However, doctors say that the third-generation investment scion, whose net worth is pegged at $850 million, has since stabilized, largely due to Latham’s vision of himself as some kind of omnipotent captain of industry who isn’t subject to the laws of man.

Though he remains on a respirator and under constant supervision, medical staff emphasized that they were amazed that Latham easily beat his grim prognosis thanks to his incredible will to live and sincerely held belief that he is the smartest, most dynamic man alive.

Sources confirmed he beat lung cancer two years ago with hubris alone.

“When we first admitted the patient, I really didn’t think he would pull through, but it turns out he has this incredible, bloated sense of stature that has kept him going through the worst of it,” said nurse Marisa Rogers, who claimed she had only previously come across such narcissism in medical textbooks. “Within Mr. Latham’s pneumonia-wracked body, there’s a powerful endurance—and this ridiculous perception of himself as some kind of superhuman figure—that’s allowing him to hold on.”

“He’s a fighter,” Rogers continued. “And a psychotic megalomaniac who sincerely believes he can’t and shouldn’t die. The fact that he’s able to convince himself that it wasn’t his fault for losing $250 million last year allowed him to survive fairly invasive surgery.”

Though doctors say Latham can expect to remain in the hospital for another several days, they maintain that their expectations for the overconfident egotist are unusually optimistic.

“Normally, at his age, in his deteriorating physical condition, you would say it’s only a matter of time before his poor health habits catch up to him, but I’ve got a feeling his overwhelming pride and self-satisfaction can beat back any illness,” said Calhoun, who claimed that Latham’s high blood pressure and history of heart disease would be a death sentence for a well-adjusted individual. “As long as he keeps believing that he deserves everything he has and that nothing can stop him, he’s going to be all right.”

“Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he lived to 100, the son of a bitch,” Calhoun added.

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