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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Grandma Hangs On To Spend One Last Christmas With Nursing Home Staff

SHOREVIEW, MN—In what many called an impressive and heartwarming display of resolve, local grandmother Melanie Hodges reportedly clung to life Sunday so that she could spend one last Christmas surrounded by nursing home staff. “It’s so great that Melanie was able to enjoy one more Christmas with those nearest and dearest to her,” said nursing assistant Anita Gurley, referring to the group of health-care workers charged with monitoring the 88-year-old’s well-being and assisting her with basic activities of daily living. “It’s been a tough year for Melanie, health-wise, but I know she must be happy to get to spend another holiday with [nurse] Rico, [physical therapist] Donna, and everyone on the evening and night shifts. That reminds me—time for me to go collect her lunch tray.” At press time, the nursing home staff had yet to discover Hodges’ lifeless body.

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