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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Grandma Hangs On To Spend One Last Christmas With Nursing Home Staff

SHOREVIEW, MN—In what many called an impressive and heartwarming display of resolve, local grandmother Melanie Hodges reportedly clung to life Sunday so that she could spend one last Christmas surrounded by nursing home staff. “It’s so great that Melanie was able to enjoy one more Christmas with those nearest and dearest to her,” said nursing assistant Anita Gurley, referring to the group of health-care workers charged with monitoring the 88-year-old’s well-being and assisting her with basic activities of daily living. “It’s been a tough year for Melanie, health-wise, but I know she must be happy to get to spend another holiday with [nurse] Rico, [physical therapist] Donna, and everyone on the evening and night shifts. That reminds me—time for me to go collect her lunch tray.” At press time, the nursing home staff had yet to discover Hodges’ lifeless body.

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