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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Grandma Hangs On To Spend One Last Christmas With Nursing Home Staff

SHOREVIEW, MN—In what many called an impressive and heartwarming display of resolve, local grandmother Melanie Hodges reportedly clung to life Sunday so that she could spend one last Christmas surrounded by nursing home staff. “It’s so great that Melanie was able to enjoy one more Christmas with those nearest and dearest to her,” said nursing assistant Anita Gurley, referring to the group of health-care workers charged with monitoring the 88-year-old’s well-being and assisting her with basic activities of daily living. “It’s been a tough year for Melanie, health-wise, but I know she must be happy to get to spend another holiday with [nurse] Rico, [physical therapist] Donna, and everyone on the evening and night shifts. That reminds me—time for me to go collect her lunch tray.” At press time, the nursing home staff had yet to discover Hodges’ lifeless body.

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