adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Grandma Happy To Babysit While Couple Desperately Attempts To Rekindle Relationship

WILBRAHAM, MA—Saying she would be thrilled to babysit for a couple days, area grandmother Margie Callahan has offered to watch her two grandchildren while their parents spend a weekend desperately trying to revive their marriage, sources reported Monday. “It’ll be great to have little Ethan and Emma come stay over with Pop-Pop and I,” said Callahan, who explained that she could bake cookies with the children, take them to the zoo, and watch Bob The Builder with them during the 48-hour window in which her daughter and son-in-law will visit a nearby resort and spa in an attempt to salvage any romantic feelings that may still exist between them. “We’ll find lots of fun things to do. You two just go enjoy yourselves and don’t worry about us.” Callahan’s daughter then reportedly thanked her, adding that if something came up with the kids while she and her husband were away frantically searching for what, if anything, they still find attractive and worthwhile about each other, they would be just a phone call away.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close