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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Grandma Happy To Babysit While Couple Desperately Attempts To Rekindle Relationship

WILBRAHAM, MA—Saying she would be thrilled to babysit for a couple days, area grandmother Margie Callahan has offered to watch her two grandchildren while their parents spend a weekend desperately trying to revive their marriage, sources reported Monday. “It’ll be great to have little Ethan and Emma come stay over with Pop-Pop and I,” said Callahan, who explained that she could bake cookies with the children, take them to the zoo, and watch Bob The Builder with them during the 48-hour window in which her daughter and son-in-law will visit a nearby resort and spa in an attempt to salvage any romantic feelings that may still exist between them. “We’ll find lots of fun things to do. You two just go enjoy yourselves and don’t worry about us.” Callahan’s daughter then reportedly thanked her, adding that if something came up with the kids while she and her husband were away frantically searching for what, if anything, they still find attractive and worthwhile about each other, they would be just a phone call away.

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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

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