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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Web Series Reaches 100 Views

A comedic webisode about two roommates became a viral sensation this week after reaching the unprecedented 100 view milestone.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Grandma Happy To Babysit While Couple Desperately Attempts To Rekindle Relationship

WILBRAHAM, MA—Saying she would be thrilled to babysit for a couple days, area grandmother Margie Callahan has offered to watch her two grandchildren while their parents spend a weekend desperately trying to revive their marriage, sources reported Monday. “It’ll be great to have little Ethan and Emma come stay over with Pop-Pop and I,” said Callahan, who explained that she could bake cookies with the children, take them to the zoo, and watch Bob The Builder with them during the 48-hour window in which her daughter and son-in-law will visit a nearby resort and spa in an attempt to salvage any romantic feelings that may still exist between them. “We’ll find lots of fun things to do. You two just go enjoy yourselves and don’t worry about us.” Callahan’s daughter then reportedly thanked her, adding that if something came up with the kids while she and her husband were away frantically searching for what, if anything, they still find attractive and worthwhile about each other, they would be just a phone call away.

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