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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately. “I realize she hasn’t been fit and healthy in quite some time, but man oh man, Grandma’s looking plain old rough these days,” said Delahunt’s granddaughter Michelle, adding that her grandmother seemed to have “really been put through the wringer” since they visited her over Christmas. “I don’t know what happened to her these past few months, but this woman has taken a beating. Jesus Christ, tell me this is as bad as it’s gonna get. I don’t even know how it gets any worse.” Family sources later confirmed that Grandpa looked pretty good.

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