adBlockCheck

Grandmother Classifies 79% Of Everything A Shame

Top Headlines

Local

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Grandmother Classifies 79% Of Everything A Shame

SANDUSKY, OH—According to those close to Gertrude Wharton, the grandmother of nine declares 79 percent of everything she witnesses, experiences, or hears about from friends to be "a shame."

Wharton, 83, says it's a shame her husband isn't alive to see what a shame their grandchildren have become.

"No matter what happens, her response is always, 'That's a shame,'" said Wharton's son Kevin, 46. "From the recent passing of her friend Lillian to the fact that her coupon for chicken bouillon cubes expired last week, I can't have a conversation with her without being told something is a shame. Is this really how she sees the world now?"

Though Wharton, 83, has proclaimed things to be a shame in the past, her current usage of the word has been a growing cause for concern. Witnesses report that in the past 24 hours alone she has applied the term to a fallen tree, a graduation card to a grandchild that arrived late, and a news story about a golf course. Several times a day, loved ones say, she shakes her head and declares the event or statement that most recently came up in conversation to be "a shame," and then a soulful, knowing look comes into her eyes, often accompanied by a sigh.

According to family members, Wharton's use of the word "shame" has increased an estimated 60 percent in recent years.

"I remember her saying it when we were growing up," granddaughter Danielle Treece said. "But it was usually when she was trying to make us feel better about something. It was kind of cute. Now she's saying it about the lightbulb that burned out in the hallway. I'm like, 'Grandma, I'll change it. It's fine,' but no matter what it is we're talking about, she acts like she just found out Hitler invaded Poland or something."

"It's making me uneasy," Treece said. "I know it's only a matter of time before I do something that's a shame."

Other members of the family have attempted to decode the level of distress or disappointment Wharton is tryng to convey with the word. While most things are simply "a shame," other, more intense degrees include "a real shame" (a rabbit that was eating her garden vegetables), "a crying shame" (the Iranian election), and, worst, "an awful shame" (her grandson failing algebra).

Now, even moments of pleasure are cut with an undercurrent of shame, such as during her daughter's 49th birthday, when she said that a cake was so lovely it was a shame to have to cut it up.

"Sometimes, I'm not sure what she means at all," Kevin Wharton said. "Who is supposed to feel shame? Is it me? It's true that perhaps we didn't eat every sandwich she prepared for us, but that's can't even really be called a bad thing, let alone a shame. And then she'll say things like, 'Kids today. What a shame.' And I have no idea what she's talking about."

"It's a shame they behave a certain way?" he added. "That they exist? That's such a broad statement. It's actually a shame, if you think about it—oh, no, now she's got me doing it."

Among the other labels Wharton applies to things are "a pity" (9 percent of everything) and "a waste" (7 percent). The remaining 5 percent of things qualify as "oh, how nice."

"The word has lost all meaning," Kevin Wharton said. "Whether it's raining, or sunny, or when the mail is late, or early, or her relatives can't come to visit, or if they do visit and had to miss out on something else, or pretty much anything you can think of, it all comes down to one version or another of a shame."

Some think the increased frequency of Wharton's shame-assessments could be linked to her husband's death by coronary thrombosis in 2007.

"Grandpa Bill was really something," Treece said. "I'll never forget the way he used to always get a gleam in his eye, slap his knee, and say, 'Ain't that a hoot.'"

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close