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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest. “He’s fine, but his services just aren’t as good as Father Thomas’,” said Trudel, who described the new priest’s homilies as “okay,” but noted that they lacked the warm tone and regular use of humor of the parish’s previous pastor. “He also doesn’t stay around very long after mass and talk with me and [husband] Richard like Father Thomas did. You don’t get to know all the families by shaking hands for only a few minutes; you stick around in the lobby or out on the front steps with everyone. Hopefully he’ll settle in, but I don’t know.” Trudel added that while she would “reserve [her] judgment,” she didn’t even want to think about what the new priest’s Christmas Mass would be like.

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