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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest. “He’s fine, but his services just aren’t as good as Father Thomas’,” said Trudel, who described the new priest’s homilies as “okay,” but noted that they lacked the warm tone and regular use of humor of the parish’s previous pastor. “He also doesn’t stay around very long after mass and talk with me and [husband] Richard like Father Thomas did. You don’t get to know all the families by shaking hands for only a few minutes; you stick around in the lobby or out on the front steps with everyone. Hopefully he’ll settle in, but I don’t know.” Trudel added that while she would “reserve [her] judgment,” she didn’t even want to think about what the new priest’s Christmas Mass would be like.

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