‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest. “He’s fine, but his services just aren’t as good as Father Thomas’,” said Trudel, who described the new priest’s homilies as “okay,” but noted that they lacked the warm tone and regular use of humor of the parish’s previous pastor. “He also doesn’t stay around very long after mass and talk with me and [husband] Richard like Father Thomas did. You don’t get to know all the families by shaking hands for only a few minutes; you stick around in the lobby or out on the front steps with everyone. Hopefully he’ll settle in, but I don’t know.” Trudel added that while she would “reserve [her] judgment,” she didn’t even want to think about what the new priest’s Christmas Mass would be like.

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