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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Grandmother Talking Big Game About Being Alive Next Year

HAMILTON, OH—Noting that she had made a lot of bold proclamations in recent months regarding upcoming birthdays and future vacations, family members of local grandmother Abigail Stapleton told reporters Wednesday that the 88-year-old is talking some pretty big game about still being alive next year. “Grandma’s getting up there in years, but that sure hasn’t stopped her from making some pretty brass-balled claims about being at my wedding next summer,” said Stapleton’s granddaughter Katie Orville, 31, noting that the octogenarian’s remark that she “couldn’t wait to see everyone there” was just one example of Stapleton writing a huge check that her ass might not be able to cash. “And last week, she was running her mouth about how proud she was of [grandson] Travis and how she was looking forward to watching him get his diploma when he graduates from Syracuse in May. All I could think was, hey, why don’t we try slowing it down, Nanna, and see if you can make it through Christmas before you buy a plane ticket, all right?” Orville added that if her grandmother did somehow manage to come through on her big promises, then “more power to her,” but noted that she’s “not holding [her] breath.”

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