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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Grandmother's Folksy Sayings Delay Senility Detection For Years

CLARE, MI—Despite losing the last of her mental faculties in 2004, Mary Parise, 89, avoided being committed to an elder-care facility until just last week, when her children discovered her down-home turns of phrase were in fact the senseless ramblings of a senile woman. "We would have taken her to a specialist sooner, but you know how Mom's always saying, 'I reckon I'll stay where I am as long as the good Lord's willing and the rooster don't break bread with a jackass,'" daughter Karen Parise said. "For years she's been calling my son 'Buster Brown' and telling him he's so bowlegged he couldn't hem a hog up in a ditch. I assumed it was a term of endearment, but now I don't think she actually recognizes any of us." Parise's children told reporters they also believe their grandmother's diet of uncooked beans and cornstarch is not in fact "a Great Depression thing."

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