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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Grandmother's Folksy Sayings Delay Senility Detection For Years

CLARE, MI—Despite losing the last of her mental faculties in 2004, Mary Parise, 89, avoided being committed to an elder-care facility until just last week, when her children discovered her down-home turns of phrase were in fact the senseless ramblings of a senile woman. "We would have taken her to a specialist sooner, but you know how Mom's always saying, 'I reckon I'll stay where I am as long as the good Lord's willing and the rooster don't break bread with a jackass,'" daughter Karen Parise said. "For years she's been calling my son 'Buster Brown' and telling him he's so bowlegged he couldn't hem a hog up in a ditch. I assumed it was a term of endearment, but now I don't think she actually recognizes any of us." Parise's children told reporters they also believe their grandmother's diet of uncooked beans and cornstarch is not in fact "a Great Depression thing."

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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