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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Grandson Has Long Hair

Like a Girl—He Has Girl Hair

ROCKFORD, IL—Despite ostensibly being a boy, local grandson Eric Detweiler, 17, has long hair just like a girl’s, his grandfather reported Wednesday. “Well, I don’t know, people tell me I have a grandson, but I sure as hell don’t remember him having a big head of girl hair,” 72-year-old George Detweiler said in a raised voice and well within earshot of the teenager, who according to reports apparently divides his time nowadays between dressing like a jackass and screwing around with his weirdo, similarly girl-haired friends. “Can you believe it? And his mother and father actually let him run around like this, all dolled up like a prom queen. My own parents never let me go four weeks without a proper haircut, but then again, I was a boy, not a girl like my granddaughter here.” The elder Detweiler added that come Christmastime, he supposed he would have no choice but to buy his grandson a pretty red dress and a brand-new pony.

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