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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Grandson Has Long Hair

Like a Girl—He Has Girl Hair

ROCKFORD, IL—Despite ostensibly being a boy, local grandson Eric Detweiler, 17, has long hair just like a girl’s, his grandfather reported Wednesday. “Well, I don’t know, people tell me I have a grandson, but I sure as hell don’t remember him having a big head of girl hair,” 72-year-old George Detweiler said in a raised voice and well within earshot of the teenager, who according to reports apparently divides his time nowadays between dressing like a jackass and screwing around with his weirdo, similarly girl-haired friends. “Can you believe it? And his mother and father actually let him run around like this, all dolled up like a prom queen. My own parents never let me go four weeks without a proper haircut, but then again, I was a boy, not a girl like my granddaughter here.” The elder Detweiler added that come Christmastime, he supposed he would have no choice but to buy his grandson a pretty red dress and a brand-new pony.

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