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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Grantland Game Recap Completely Omits Influence Of ‘NYPD Blue’ On Modern Ensemble Dramas

LOS ANGELES—Calling the exclusion “an embarrassing oversight,” visitors to Grantland today criticized the online sports publication for its notably deficient recap of a recent matchup between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Dallas Mavericks, complaining that the write-up completely omits any mention of NYPD Blue’s enormous influence on the modern ensemble drama format. “Were they even watching the same game?” Grantland reader Jeremy Cortina said of the site’s incomplete recap of last night’s Lakers-Mavericks contest, which failed to make even one reference to the ABC police procedural’s immense impact on such essentials of the canon as The Shield and The Wire. “I went into that article looking for the basics—how NYPD Blue foreshadowed creator David Milch’s later work on Deadwood, instances in which modern ensemble casts have liberally borrowed from the classic on-camera rapport displayed between leads Jimmy Smits and Dennis Franz, and how this gritty crime drama reflected the uncertainties of the Clinton administration. But it’s just a bunch of trivial stuff about stats and injuries, which team won the game, and the David O. Russell film American Hustle. Do they actually think we care about this junk?” Cortina added that he hadn’t been so disappointed in a Grantland article since its recent retrospective of Jackie Robinson’s impact on race relations in baseball failed to attempt even a passing analysis of The Cure’s Disintegration.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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