Grapes 'Big Hit' At Area Picnic

Top Headlines

Local

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

Area Man

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

Grapes 'Big Hit' At Area Picnic

PORTLAND, OR—Speaking at an impromptu press conference on her back patio, seventh-grade language-arts teacher Wendy Polonski, 31, announced that the seedless green grapes she brought to a small potluck-style picnic with Fernwood Middle School colleagues Sunday in Portland’s Washington Park had been "really popular."

Picnic attendees enjoying some refreshing, tasty grapes at Washington Park Sunday.

"Everybody loved my grapes," said Polonski, who eyed strawberries, tortilla chips, and even chocolate-chip cookies before selecting the organic green fruit, which she purchased for $3.79 a pound—$5.54 total—at Whole Foods. "They made the event something special."

The picnic served nine guests an array of foods, including pasta salad, chips, cheese, crackers, and warm guacamole that reportedly went untouched. According to Polonski, the picnic didn’t appear to "pick up steam" until the grapes were revealed.

"They just couldn’t stop eating them," Polonski said, referring to the guests’ tendency to finish one grape and reach almost immediately for another. "Honestly, it looked like some people hadn’t had a meal all day. [Social-studies teacher] Paul [Chadburn] put three in his mouth at once."

Several picnic attendees were observed breaking off entire stems of the fruit, placing them on paper plates, and then walking away, only to return moments later for another helping.

The two bags brought by Polonski, numbering approximately 170 grapes, witnesses said, were barely enough for everyone.

"I love grapes," said teacher’s assistant Janice Lyons.

Said Polonski: "If people hadn’t started cutting back as the party wound down, we certainly would have run out. It just goes to show you that people generally gravitate towards simple, good-tasting food."

Sources indicated that the event was enjoyed.

"It was good to get outside and spend time with folks, eating and everything," said Peter Facgle, a special-education teacher. "It doesn’t seem like we have any time to talk at work."

Pre-algebra teacher Gail Roort, who was seen touching the grapes without consuming any, described the picnic as "probably the nicest part" of her holiday weekend.

"I’m so happy that I decided to come," said Polonski, who briefly considered skipping the picnic entirely in favor of a block party near her house. "People really appreciated how nicely the grapes complemented the food that was already there."

"The look of satisfaction on their faces said so much more than any words they could have said," Polonski added.

A self-described "people person," Polonski is a frequent attendee of work-, extended-family-, and neighborhood-related social gatherings.

"A little planning really pays off in group situations," said Polonski, who checked the weather forecast before deciding on the specific dish she would bring. "There’s a big difference between bringing something along as an afterthought, and bringing the perfect dish for the occasion."

Polonski added: "Sometimes I don’t know if I’m exceptionally considerate or exceptionally lucky. Or both."

Next Story