adBlockCheck

Grapes 'Big Hit' At Area Picnic

Top Headlines

Local

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Grapes 'Big Hit' At Area Picnic

PORTLAND, OR—Speaking at an impromptu press conference on her back patio, seventh-grade language-arts teacher Wendy Polonski, 31, announced that the seedless green grapes she brought to a small potluck-style picnic with Fernwood Middle School colleagues Sunday in Portland’s Washington Park had been "really popular."

Picnic attendees enjoying some refreshing, tasty grapes at Washington Park Sunday.

"Everybody loved my grapes," said Polonski, who eyed strawberries, tortilla chips, and even chocolate-chip cookies before selecting the organic green fruit, which she purchased for $3.79 a pound—$5.54 total—at Whole Foods. "They made the event something special."

The picnic served nine guests an array of foods, including pasta salad, chips, cheese, crackers, and warm guacamole that reportedly went untouched. According to Polonski, the picnic didn’t appear to "pick up steam" until the grapes were revealed.

"They just couldn’t stop eating them," Polonski said, referring to the guests’ tendency to finish one grape and reach almost immediately for another. "Honestly, it looked like some people hadn’t had a meal all day. [Social-studies teacher] Paul [Chadburn] put three in his mouth at once."

Several picnic attendees were observed breaking off entire stems of the fruit, placing them on paper plates, and then walking away, only to return moments later for another helping.

The two bags brought by Polonski, numbering approximately 170 grapes, witnesses said, were barely enough for everyone.

"I love grapes," said teacher’s assistant Janice Lyons.

Said Polonski: "If people hadn’t started cutting back as the party wound down, we certainly would have run out. It just goes to show you that people generally gravitate towards simple, good-tasting food."

Sources indicated that the event was enjoyed.

"It was good to get outside and spend time with folks, eating and everything," said Peter Facgle, a special-education teacher. "It doesn’t seem like we have any time to talk at work."

Pre-algebra teacher Gail Roort, who was seen touching the grapes without consuming any, described the picnic as "probably the nicest part" of her holiday weekend.

"I’m so happy that I decided to come," said Polonski, who briefly considered skipping the picnic entirely in favor of a block party near her house. "People really appreciated how nicely the grapes complemented the food that was already there."

"The look of satisfaction on their faces said so much more than any words they could have said," Polonski added.

A self-described "people person," Polonski is a frequent attendee of work-, extended-family-, and neighborhood-related social gatherings.

"A little planning really pays off in group situations," said Polonski, who checked the weather forecast before deciding on the specific dish she would bring. "There’s a big difference between bringing something along as an afterthought, and bringing the perfect dish for the occasion."

Polonski added: "Sometimes I don’t know if I’m exceptionally considerate or exceptionally lucky. Or both."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close