adBlockCheck

Recent News

‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
End Of Section
  • More News

Gratitude For Thank-You Note Plunges Friends Into Inescapable Appreciation Spiral

PHILADELPHIA—A reciprocated expression of gratitude provided upon receiving a thank-you note last month has plunged friends Amy Hildenbrand, 34, and Melissa Means, 35 into a recursive appreciation spiral that has no apparent end in sight. "Melissa was so happy my note was hand-written that she insisted on buying me dinner," said a visibly frustrated Hildenbrand, who countered by offering to babysit Means' infant son and was rewarded with a heartfelt letter and gift card. "If you'll excuse me, I need to get to the travel agent before it closes." Although the all-encompassing vortex of thankfulness has left both parties unable to move for fear of being further indebted, Hildenbrand will finally put the matter to rest next Thursday, when she attends her surprise Thank You luncheon with a loaded shotgun.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close