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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Gray Wolves Sighted In Capitol Building For First Time In 85 Years

Species Making Comeback In Senate Chambers, Excited Wildlife Experts Say

WASHINGTON—Wildlife biologists confirmed Friday they have documented multiple sightings of endangered gray wolves in the U.S. Capitol building, marking the first time in almost a century these elusive creatures have been observed in either house of Congress. "This is an enormous step toward restoring the species to the nation's seat of legislative power, where gray wolf populations once thrived," said zoologist Ben Garret, explaining that motion-activated C-SPAN cameras had caught an entire pack passing right through the central rotunda area, and showed one of the males briefly sniffing Sen. Joseph Lieberman's shoe before rejoining the group. "Gray wolves once sat atop a complex ecological food chain in the Capitol, roaming freely through its halls, and without them, the Senate and House membership has run rampant." Senior lawmakers have called for a swift eradication of the wolves, which they blame for startling Congress's blue-ribbon heifer, Tabitha, and causing her milk to run sour.

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