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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Gray Wolves Sighted In Capitol Building For First Time In 85 Years

Species Making Comeback In Senate Chambers, Excited Wildlife Experts Say

WASHINGTON—Wildlife biologists confirmed Friday they have documented multiple sightings of endangered gray wolves in the U.S. Capitol building, marking the first time in almost a century these elusive creatures have been observed in either house of Congress. "This is an enormous step toward restoring the species to the nation's seat of legislative power, where gray wolf populations once thrived," said zoologist Ben Garret, explaining that motion-activated C-SPAN cameras had caught an entire pack passing right through the central rotunda area, and showed one of the males briefly sniffing Sen. Joseph Lieberman's shoe before rejoining the group. "Gray wolves once sat atop a complex ecological food chain in the Capitol, roaming freely through its halls, and without them, the Senate and House membership has run rampant." Senior lawmakers have called for a swift eradication of the wolves, which they blame for startling Congress's blue-ribbon heifer, Tabitha, and causing her milk to run sour.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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