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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Gray Wolves Sighted In Capitol Building For First Time In 85 Years

Species Making Comeback In Senate Chambers, Excited Wildlife Experts Say

WASHINGTON—Wildlife biologists confirmed Friday they have documented multiple sightings of endangered gray wolves in the U.S. Capitol building, marking the first time in almost a century these elusive creatures have been observed in either house of Congress. "This is an enormous step toward restoring the species to the nation's seat of legislative power, where gray wolf populations once thrived," said zoologist Ben Garret, explaining that motion-activated C-SPAN cameras had caught an entire pack passing right through the central rotunda area, and showed one of the males briefly sniffing Sen. Joseph Lieberman's shoe before rejoining the group. "Gray wolves once sat atop a complex ecological food chain in the Capitol, roaming freely through its halls, and without them, the Senate and House membership has run rampant." Senior lawmakers have called for a swift eradication of the wolves, which they blame for startling Congress's blue-ribbon heifer, Tabitha, and causing her milk to run sour.

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