Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Grayson Allen Recalls Struggle Growing Up Without Any Principles

GREENVILLE, SC—Recounting the difficult circumstances that shaped his development into adulthood, Duke University shooting guard Grayson Allen recalled Friday the struggle of growing up without any principles. “It was really tough not having any ethics, especially when all the other kids did,” said a visibly distressed Allen, adding that it was always hard competing in basketball games when he was the only one on the team without any sense of right and wrong. “I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how it’s so unfair, but at some point I’ve just got to accept that I don’t have principles, and I never will. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that finding my way in the world without values was a blessing in disguise and made me into who I am as a person.” At press time, Allen told reporters that he would feel much worse about his lack of moral principles if it weren’t for coach Mike Krzyzewski’s unwavering support.

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