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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Grayson Allen Recalls Struggle Growing Up Without Any Principles

GREENVILLE, SC—Recounting the difficult circumstances that shaped his development into adulthood, Duke University shooting guard Grayson Allen recalled Friday the struggle of growing up without any principles. “It was really tough not having any ethics, especially when all the other kids did,” said a visibly distressed Allen, adding that it was always hard competing in basketball games when he was the only one on the team without any sense of right and wrong. “I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how it’s so unfair, but at some point I’ve just got to accept that I don’t have principles, and I never will. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that finding my way in the world without values was a blessing in disguise and made me into who I am as a person.” At press time, Allen told reporters that he would feel much worse about his lack of moral principles if it weren’t for coach Mike Krzyzewski’s unwavering support.

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