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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Great Books Of Western Civilization Used To Accent Den

BETHESDA, MD–Beautiful, hand-tooled, leather-bound copies of the greatest works of Western literature "really spiffed up" the den of Elaine Gadsen Monday. "I just love the way the gold embossing on The Great Gatsby balances out that plainer-looking Dickens book on the end," Gadsen said. "And the bright red spine on that one by Faust really looks great over the couch." Gadsen has instructed her housekeeper to dust the books monthly.

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