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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Great Game, Sport, Civilization Ruined By Speaking Of Phrase 'This Is For All The Tostitos®'

GLENDALE, AZ—A thrilling, down-to-the-wire BCS National Championship game between Auburn and the University of Oregon, as well as the sport of football itself and the entire 10,000-year history of civilization, was destroyed Monday night when the apocalyptic phrase "This is for all the Tostitos®" was intoned by commentator Brent Musburger just before the crucial last-second field goal that gave Auburn the now-meaningless title. "It should have been an amazing triumph for our team, not the corn-chip-endorsing downfall of the entire human race," said Auburn kicker Wes Byrum, adding that he was "despondent" at seeing the greatest moment of his life transformed into the fall of modern society. "Now, instead of celebrating with my family, we have to prepare for the marketing-driven end times." A spokesperson for Tostitos® estimated that Musburger speaking the words that ended the age of reason were worth the equivalent of $2.5 million in conventional advertising.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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