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Great Game, Sport, Civilization Ruined By Speaking Of Phrase 'This Is For All The Tostitos®'

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Great Game, Sport, Civilization Ruined By Speaking Of Phrase 'This Is For All The Tostitos®'

GLENDALE, AZ—A thrilling, down-to-the-wire BCS National Championship game between Auburn and the University of Oregon, as well as the sport of football itself and the entire 10,000-year history of civilization, was destroyed Monday night when the apocalyptic phrase "This is for all the Tostitos®" was intoned by commentator Brent Musburger just before the crucial last-second field goal that gave Auburn the now-meaningless title. "It should have been an amazing triumph for our team, not the corn-chip-endorsing downfall of the entire human race," said Auburn kicker Wes Byrum, adding that he was "despondent" at seeing the greatest moment of his life transformed into the fall of modern society. "Now, instead of celebrating with my family, we have to prepare for the marketing-driven end times." A spokesperson for Tostitos® estimated that Musburger speaking the words that ended the age of reason were worth the equivalent of $2.5 million in conventional advertising.

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