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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Great, Now It's Turned Into A Whole Big Thing

BOSTON—Reiterating that this wasn't supposed to be a whole big thing, and that they still can't believe this, sources confirmed today that it has now turned into a huge deal. "Oh, great, this is just perfect," sources said, adding that this definitely could have been avoided and people certainly aren't helping by making more of it than it actually is. "Here we go again. Seriously, can we not?" At press time, sources had decided we can just talk about it later.

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