Great Strides Made By Pretty Women In The Past Year

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Vol 35 Issue 28

Subject Of Phone Bill Delicately Broached

ATHENS, GA—The subject of a $174.76 phone bill was delicately broached Monday, when Jeff DeSilva, 21, casually asked roommate Chad Morris if he happened to know anyone in Holmdel, NJ. "Say, Neil, don't you have a buddy in New Jersey, like maybe in Holmdel, or some cool place with a 732 area code like that?" DeSilva asked. "Yeah, aren't you still friends with that guy with the goatee who visited here last year who plays guitar and likes to talk for 49 minutes beginning at 10:32 p.m. on July 29?" Morris, who has been negligent in paying his share of phone bills in the past, is believed to have made made five unclaimed phone calls in the past month, including a 71-minute, $13.47 call to Bremerton, WA, right in the middle of the day.

Area Man Purchases The Devil's Advocate On DVD For Some Reason

MILWAUKEE, W—For reasons unknown at press time, Milwaukee resident Keith Randall purchased the DVD of the 1997 Keanu Reeves-Al Pacino film The Devil's Advocate Monday. Randall, 31, reportedly entered a Blockbuster video store and handed a clerk $21.99 in exchange for the film. "I can't claim to know what he was thinking," said Blockbuster employee Gary Nathan, who sold Randall the DVD, which contains 22 minutes of bonus footage and an exclusive interview with Devil's Advocate director Taylor Hackford. "I'm baffled. I could see maybe watching it once on HBO, but this?"

Home-Schooled Student Opens Fire On Breakfast Nook

OCALA, FL—In the latest act of youth violence to shock the nation, 14-year-old home-schooler Jeffrey Kunz opened fire on the family breakfast nook Monday, killing three and injuring two. "We were just about to start Jeffrey's algebra lesson when I heard several loud pops," said Iris Kunz, 44, the assailant's mother/teacher and one of the injured. "But then I saw blood on Jeffrey's sister Melissa and realized someone was shooting." The gun-wielding teen, who was eventually subdued by SWAT-team agents, was said to be angry at his mother over a science grade.

Clinton 'Very Disappointed' In Missouri

WASHINGTON, DC—At a White House press conference Monday, President Clinton expressed "great disappointment" in Missouri after the state ranked 49th in a recent U.S. News & World Report poll of the best states in which to raise children. "I don't know, maybe it's my fault," Clinton said. "I guess for some reason I just expected something better from Missouri." While the full extent of Missouri's punishment has not been decided, Clinton said it can definitely forget about any federal drought-relief funding.

Lone Teen Rebels Against Mandatory-Nametag Policy

SANDPOINT, ID—Despite repeated warnings from management, 17-year-old kitchen steward Matt Mullen continues to rebel against the Sandpointer Resort Hotel's mandatory-nametag policy, kitchen sources reported Tuesday.

I'm Taking Cuddliness To A Whole New Level

You've played with other puppies, enjoyed scratching their little heads and rubbing their fuzzy-wuzzy tummies. Heck, you probably thought they were really cute. But what would you say to a cuddliness experience not 100, not 200, but 300 percent better? That's right, folks: I, Cleveland The Puppy, am taking cuddliness to a whole new level.

Giant Undersea Cephalopods Targeted By Pepsi

PURCHASE, NY—In what ad-industry insiders are calling the most ambitious marketing campaign in history, Pepsico launched a $2.8 billion deep-sea research initiative and media blitz Monday, targeting the elusive giant cephalopods believed to inhabit the oceans' farthest unexplored depths.
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Great Strides Made By Pretty Women In The Past Year

PALM SPRINGS, CA—The last year of the century has been an outstanding one for America's pretty women, the president of the National Organization For Pretty Women said Monday during the group's annual convention and spa retreat in Palm Springs.

National Organization For Pretty Women president Sherrie Roberts.

"This will forever be known as the Year Of The Pretty Woman, for her achievements have been exceptional and notable," said NOPW president Sherrie Roberts in a keynote address before nearly 36,000 members. "From breakthroughs in breast-augmentation technology to advances in pretty-woman casting in big-budget Hollywood blockbusters, 1999 has truly been a banner year for us."

Roberts based many of her claims on statistics gathered in a recent survey of NOPW members. Among the impressive gains for pretty women this year: A full 100 percent of fashion ads featured pretty women, up from 99 percent in 1998; pretty women were featured on the cover of 99 percent of women's magazines and 99.6 percent of men's magazines; and pretty women could be found in abundance in such lucrative, high-profile fields as advertising, marketing, public relations, modeling, acting, network anchoring and trophy-wifing.

"Pretty women are very much like other women," Roberts said. "Like them, we are businesspersons, entrepreneurs, authors. The only difference is that we are much, much prettier."

Quality of life, the survey found, also continued to rise for pretty women in 1999. A record 98 percent of NOPW members got what they wanted in the first half of this year, up from 95 percent during the same period in 1998. Only 3 percent experienced any runs in their pantyhose, and a scant 1.5 percent had to pay for their paella or sushi.

Pretty businesswoman Lisa Raymond conducts pretty-woman business.

"What a long way we've come since our very first convention back in 1983, held in a Chicago hotel that didn't even provide facials for its customers," said Kellie Peters, NOPW's lovely and talented director of media relations. "But we who have been with NOPW since its inception knew we would someday realize our lofty goals, and we enter the new millennium with great optimism and expectations."

NOPW credits much of its success to years of activism in the community. In addition to sponsoring eyeliner drives and 10K charity fun runs against split ends, the organization has also reached out to thousands of young, at-risk girls.

"Before NOPW, tolerance of imperfection was seriously lowering standards of prettiness across the country," Peters said. "So, in 1985, NOPW began visiting schools, teaching pretty girls to bring out the best in themselves by first recognizing their 'self-center,' then esteeming their own interests above those of others and, finally, learning such valuable skills as how to destroy a vulnerable young person's ego with a single remark. Today, there isn't a single girl who hasn't felt the effects of our work."

NOPW vice-president Jennie Walsh, 22, is part of a younger generation of pretty women that has been influenced by the organization.

"Oh, my God, Sherrie has been, like, such a fantastic president all these years," Walsh said. "I remember how she came to my high-school in, like, 1992 or something. She's been just so influential in my life. It's amazing how she hasn't let stuff like gray hair and crows' feet stop her. Believe me, Sherrie, if you ever want to take a sabbatical or finally get that tush lift you've been needing for so long, I'd be happy to take over for you."

A visibly touched Roberts embraced Walsh and gave her two quick air kisses, claiming she didn't want to "harm her makeup job, which covers her enormous pores so well."

"What we should all try to remember is that prettiness is not just skin deep," Roberts said. "It also involves hair and nails."

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