adBlockCheck

Great Strides Made By Pretty Women In The Past Year

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Great Strides Made By Pretty Women In The Past Year

PALM SPRINGS, CA—The last year of the century has been an outstanding one for America's pretty women, the president of the National Organization For Pretty Women said Monday during the group's annual convention and spa retreat in Palm Springs.

National Organization For Pretty Women president Sherrie Roberts.

"This will forever be known as the Year Of The Pretty Woman, for her achievements have been exceptional and notable," said NOPW president Sherrie Roberts in a keynote address before nearly 36,000 members. "From breakthroughs in breast-augmentation technology to advances in pretty-woman casting in big-budget Hollywood blockbusters, 1999 has truly been a banner year for us."

Roberts based many of her claims on statistics gathered in a recent survey of NOPW members. Among the impressive gains for pretty women this year: A full 100 percent of fashion ads featured pretty women, up from 99 percent in 1998; pretty women were featured on the cover of 99 percent of women's magazines and 99.6 percent of men's magazines; and pretty women could be found in abundance in such lucrative, high-profile fields as advertising, marketing, public relations, modeling, acting, network anchoring and trophy-wifing.

"Pretty women are very much like other women," Roberts said. "Like them, we are businesspersons, entrepreneurs, authors. The only difference is that we are much, much prettier."

Quality of life, the survey found, also continued to rise for pretty women in 1999. A record 98 percent of NOPW members got what they wanted in the first half of this year, up from 95 percent during the same period in 1998. Only 3 percent experienced any runs in their pantyhose, and a scant 1.5 percent had to pay for their paella or sushi.

Pretty businesswoman Lisa Raymond conducts pretty-woman business.

"What a long way we've come since our very first convention back in 1983, held in a Chicago hotel that didn't even provide facials for its customers," said Kellie Peters, NOPW's lovely and talented director of media relations. "But we who have been with NOPW since its inception knew we would someday realize our lofty goals, and we enter the new millennium with great optimism and expectations."

NOPW credits much of its success to years of activism in the community. In addition to sponsoring eyeliner drives and 10K charity fun runs against split ends, the organization has also reached out to thousands of young, at-risk girls.

"Before NOPW, tolerance of imperfection was seriously lowering standards of prettiness across the country," Peters said. "So, in 1985, NOPW began visiting schools, teaching pretty girls to bring out the best in themselves by first recognizing their 'self-center,' then esteeming their own interests above those of others and, finally, learning such valuable skills as how to destroy a vulnerable young person's ego with a single remark. Today, there isn't a single girl who hasn't felt the effects of our work."

NOPW vice-president Jennie Walsh, 22, is part of a younger generation of pretty women that has been influenced by the organization.

"Oh, my God, Sherrie has been, like, such a fantastic president all these years," Walsh said. "I remember how she came to my high-school in, like, 1992 or something. She's been just so influential in my life. It's amazing how she hasn't let stuff like gray hair and crows' feet stop her. Believe me, Sherrie, if you ever want to take a sabbatical or finally get that tush lift you've been needing for so long, I'd be happy to take over for you."

A visibly touched Roberts embraced Walsh and gave her two quick air kisses, claiming she didn't want to "harm her makeup job, which covers her enormous pores so well."

"What we should all try to remember is that prettiness is not just skin deep," Roberts said. "It also involves hair and nails."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close