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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Great Strides Made By Pretty Women In The Past Year

PALM SPRINGS, CA—The last year of the century has been an outstanding one for America's pretty women, the president of the National Organization For Pretty Women said Monday during the group's annual convention and spa retreat in Palm Springs.

National Organization For Pretty Women president Sherrie Roberts.

"This will forever be known as the Year Of The Pretty Woman, for her achievements have been exceptional and notable," said NOPW president Sherrie Roberts in a keynote address before nearly 36,000 members. "From breakthroughs in breast-augmentation technology to advances in pretty-woman casting in big-budget Hollywood blockbusters, 1999 has truly been a banner year for us."

Roberts based many of her claims on statistics gathered in a recent survey of NOPW members. Among the impressive gains for pretty women this year: A full 100 percent of fashion ads featured pretty women, up from 99 percent in 1998; pretty women were featured on the cover of 99 percent of women's magazines and 99.6 percent of men's magazines; and pretty women could be found in abundance in such lucrative, high-profile fields as advertising, marketing, public relations, modeling, acting, network anchoring and trophy-wifing.

"Pretty women are very much like other women," Roberts said. "Like them, we are businesspersons, entrepreneurs, authors. The only difference is that we are much, much prettier."

Quality of life, the survey found, also continued to rise for pretty women in 1999. A record 98 percent of NOPW members got what they wanted in the first half of this year, up from 95 percent during the same period in 1998. Only 3 percent experienced any runs in their pantyhose, and a scant 1.5 percent had to pay for their paella or sushi.

Pretty businesswoman Lisa Raymond conducts pretty-woman business.

"What a long way we've come since our very first convention back in 1983, held in a Chicago hotel that didn't even provide facials for its customers," said Kellie Peters, NOPW's lovely and talented director of media relations. "But we who have been with NOPW since its inception knew we would someday realize our lofty goals, and we enter the new millennium with great optimism and expectations."

NOPW credits much of its success to years of activism in the community. In addition to sponsoring eyeliner drives and 10K charity fun runs against split ends, the organization has also reached out to thousands of young, at-risk girls.

"Before NOPW, tolerance of imperfection was seriously lowering standards of prettiness across the country," Peters said. "So, in 1985, NOPW began visiting schools, teaching pretty girls to bring out the best in themselves by first recognizing their 'self-center,' then esteeming their own interests above those of others and, finally, learning such valuable skills as how to destroy a vulnerable young person's ego with a single remark. Today, there isn't a single girl who hasn't felt the effects of our work."

NOPW vice-president Jennie Walsh, 22, is part of a younger generation of pretty women that has been influenced by the organization.

"Oh, my God, Sherrie has been, like, such a fantastic president all these years," Walsh said. "I remember how she came to my high-school in, like, 1992 or something. She's been just so influential in my life. It's amazing how she hasn't let stuff like gray hair and crows' feet stop her. Believe me, Sherrie, if you ever want to take a sabbatical or finally get that tush lift you've been needing for so long, I'd be happy to take over for you."

A visibly touched Roberts embraced Walsh and gave her two quick air kisses, claiming she didn't want to "harm her makeup job, which covers her enormous pores so well."

"What we should all try to remember is that prettiness is not just skin deep," Roberts said. "It also involves hair and nails."

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

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