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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Great Team Chemistry No Match For Great Team Biology

COLLEGE STATION, TX—Despite college basketball analysts' frequent remarks that the team exhibits "great chemistry," the Texas A&M Aggies were edged out Wednesday night 66-58 by the No. 4-ranked Kansas Jayhawks, who apparently have great team biology. "I've never seen a team work in sync with itself as well as A&M did tonight, but unfortunately, they were up against players who have bodies far better adapted for playing basketball," ESPN's Jay Bilas said. "The Aggies were finally healthy, they really had a sense of where everyone was on the court, when to slide over to help on defense, and when their teammates will make a move that will free them up to run to the basket or get an open look for three. The Jayhawks, however, have players who are actually naturally able to score a lot of points." Bilas admitted that despite its great team chemistry, Texas A&M might also be susceptible to a squad with great team physics, such as being taller and able to shoot from a greater height.

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