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Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. Full article.

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Greatest Country In World Unable To Keep William H. Gross Stamp Gallery Open

The most powerful and enlightened society in human history was unable to staff and operate this establishment today.
The most powerful and enlightened society in human history was unable to staff and operate this establishment today.

WASHINGTON—Following Congress’ inability to hammer out a last-minute budget agreement, the federal government earlier today entered into a partial shutdown under which the greatest country on the planet—that shining example to all other nations in the world—will be unable to keep the William H. Gross Stamp Gallery open, sources confirmed.

Owing to widespread pay freezes and the furloughs of various federal government workers brought on by the shutdown, directors at the Gross Gallery confirmed that the world’s towering bastion of wealth, cultural might, and democratic ideals will be incapable of maintaining the 12,000-square-foot gallery devoted to the history and exhibition of postage stamps.

“Due to the government shutdown, I regret to report that the William H. Gross Stamp Gallery will remain closed until further notice,” said National Postal Museum director Allen Kane, relaying the information that the earth’s richest, most powerful nation, and the envy of every other sovereign nation on the planet, cannot support a series of rooms displaying stamps. “Without the necessary personnel, we sadly will be forced to keep our exhibits shuttered indefinitely.”

“We apologize for any inconvenience and hope to see our stamp gallery up and running again as soon as possible,” continued the man living in the most powerful and enlightened society the modern world has yet seen.

According to museum personnel, the inability of lawmakers to reach an agreement on a federal spending bill has necessitated the temporary cessation of day-to-day operations at the gallery, which features thousands of stamp-related exhibits and is located in the capital city of the world’s reigning superpower. A reigning superpower whose principles of democracy, freedom, and limitless opportunity stoke the hopes and dreams of oppressed peoples around the world, sources confirmed.

Specifically, the funding shortfall will mandate the closures of an exhibit featuring a collection of some of the country’s earliest stamps, an interactive display in which visitors can mock up their own stamps, and a section of the museum that pays tribute to famous stamp collectors throughout history, as well as a gallery showcasing a collection of oversized stamps.

The United States last year recorded a GDP of nearly $17 trillion.

“It’s too bad we won’t be able to keep the gallery open to the public during the shutdown,” said museum curator Cheryl R. Ganz, citizen of a country whose founding fathers nearly 250 years ago cast off the yoke of British oppression in hopes of establishing a republic—a land of plenty, if you will—devoted to the principles of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, famed for its Constitution and its undying commitment to that grand experiment we call progress. “This is the kind of place that appeals to both casual stamp enthusiasts and devoted philatelists alike, so it’s a real shame.”

“Hopefully the shutdown will end soon so people can come look at our stamp collection again,” added Ganz, who lives in the veritable “City upon the Hill” that is America, that proud and indomitable nation known the world over as the very pinnacle of human civilization, which every year draws thousands of wide-eyed immigrants thirsting for freedom and opportunity to its golden shores.

Sources also confirmed that the government’s personnel cuts leave it unable to support numerous other federally funded sites, including New York’s Cooper-Hewitt National Design Museum, Montana’s Upper Missouri River Breaks National Monument, and Colorado’s Black Canyon of the Gunnison, all of which will remain closed indefinitely until the leaders of the world’s preeminent global superpower are able to pass a spending bill through the most efficient and equitable government system yet produced by man.

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