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Who's Fucking: Zack and Evan

Coworkers Zack and Evan talk about moving past first impressions, stepping out of your comfort zone, and understanding what it really means to fuck someone.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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'Greatest Super Bowl Ever,' Reports Incorrect Man

PITTSBURGH—In a torrent of emotion that both blanked out Kenneth Weiss' memory and skewed his judgment, the longtime Steelers fan declared Super Bowl XLIII, which most agree was in fact a very good game, to be the best Super Bowl ever. "I defy you to name a game with as much excitement," said Weiss, forgetting the seven lead changes in the 49ers' gritty Super Bowl XXIII victory, the Steelers' brilliant defensive denial of multiple comebacks in Super Bowl XIII, and the underdog Giants' victory over the arrogant undefeated Patriots last year. "I can't think of one that even came close. Best ever. Period. There can be no argument." Cooler-headed sources close to Weiss said that his choice is at least defensible, unlike those who say the greatest-ever Super Bowl was won by that jackass Joe Namath, the admittedly undefeated but unspectacular '72 Dolphins, or the fucking, fucking, fucking Cowboys.

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Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

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