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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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'Greatest Super Bowl Ever,' Reports Incorrect Man

PITTSBURGH—In a torrent of emotion that both blanked out Kenneth Weiss' memory and skewed his judgment, the longtime Steelers fan declared Super Bowl XLIII, which most agree was in fact a very good game, to be the best Super Bowl ever. "I defy you to name a game with as much excitement," said Weiss, forgetting the seven lead changes in the 49ers' gritty Super Bowl XXIII victory, the Steelers' brilliant defensive denial of multiple comebacks in Super Bowl XIII, and the underdog Giants' victory over the arrogant undefeated Patriots last year. "I can't think of one that even came close. Best ever. Period. There can be no argument." Cooler-headed sources close to Weiss said that his choice is at least defensible, unlike those who say the greatest-ever Super Bowl was won by that jackass Joe Namath, the admittedly undefeated but unspectacular '72 Dolphins, or the fucking, fucking, fucking Cowboys.

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